[ She sees that change in posture, something others might not realize the significance of if they saw it. But she does. It's not just about his pain, it's about the fact that he's expressing it at all.
It's oddly comforting. It reminds her that he is human after all.
She comes inside without little more invitation and even goes to sit on his bed. ]
You were? [ She asks, eyes finding his. Then she shrugs. ]
[ Her heart skips a beat as he pulls away from her, a silent aching for his touch again.
But she lets him get his drink and shakes her head. ]
Sometimes I think about what killing the Darkling will be like... It's hard already. [ And things with the Darkling are more complicated with Kotetsu. With Kotetsu? It's harder. ]
This should have been impossible. It scares me how easy it was...
It took us less than a day to make the decision. Less than an hour to get their agreement and kill them. [ She moves back in his bed, getting comfortable where she sits now.
I know. [ Because they made this choice together. They sat down and he offered to take it from her.
But then this would be his alone.
She moves closer to him as he joins her again. She can't help herself. Usually she respects his distance but right now every part of her craves human interaction where she can get it. ]
People call me a saint, Nikolai. I'm not saint. I'm not a savior.
[ His hand slides onto her neck, back into her hair. His head tilts. That's a strange turn of phrase, and he's not sure where it comes from. It doesn't particularly sound like her.
But it makes his lips tick upwards, all the same. He shakes his head. ]
I'm your prince.
And you are someone who has given more for your country than I have any right to ask.
I'm so sorry.
[ The smile, such as it was, has vanished now. He leans forward, touching his forehead to hers. ]
You should have let me do it. You should have let me do the killing, and you wouldn't feel like this now.
[ Nikolai moves in, pressing against her now. One hand had stayed on her waist; that arm moves around her now, and he pulls her close. ]
I'm used to playing this part. This part is why I created Sturmhond. You know that.
[ To make the hard choices. To do the killing, to go where the army couldn't. Where royalty couldn't. But where the work still needed done. ]
But I know you as well. You'll do this even though it hurts you. Why do you ever doubt yourself, Alina? Why do you think our people wrong to believe in you, when this is the strength that's in you?
Because it eats at me. [ She confesses softly. Her arms go around him as she rests her head on his shoulder. ]
I don't mean my conscience. I mean it's changing me. I killed my first person at home when I went back. And part of me liked it. Part of me wanted to kill Sergei. Parted me wanted to make the Apparat crawl on his knees and beg me for forgiveness in front of everyone.
[ Her fingers tighten. She can't look at him. Not when she feels such shame. ] There's a part of me that just keeps pushing deeper and deeper into madness. Sometimes I understand the Darkling. And I think if I ever did get the firebird, I would just be completing my transformation in to becoming him.
But I need it, anyway. I have to. [ She closes her eyes. ]
You promised Baghra you would put a bullet in my head if I ever became him.
[ She's had this fear for so long now. This thing she's never told Nikolai.
But she tells him while he kisses her and sends shivers down her spine and buries his face against her neck. She tells him and he tells her he will keep that promise. But he won't have to.
Her fear may never be completely gone, but he's eased it more than she can even tell him. Just because he sees her so clearly and she trusts no one's judgement more than him.
She gives a slight laugh and lets herself fall into him. She's curled in against him as he holds her tighter. Her face turns against his chest and she breathes in his scent with a soft sigh. He's so physical tonight. She's never seen him quite like this.
Then again, they've never been quite like this. This broken.
She brushes her lips over his neck. ] I wouldn't be me if I weren't dramatic. [ She smiles slightly.
She brushes her fingers over his cheek. ] What are you thinking?
Of too many things, quite frankly. That’s almost always the case with Nikolai, but it’s worse tonight. Has been worse, since he killed Barnaby. He keeps seeing that moment again, playing out in front of his eyes. The sword piercing his friend’s chest, the way he’d fallen back against Kotetsu before Nikolai had time to catch him, the sound of the gunshot that sent Kotetsu after him.
Over and over and over again. And it’s right that it should be so. Barnaby deserves far more from him than his guilt.
The wrongness of it is the other image that comes up, unbidden. Of Alina on the end of that sword instead of Barnaby, while he promises to kill her. Of his mother and his father, while he tells them that it’s this, or exile. That’s what he keeps thinking of. He knows that this doesn’t end here, with this one choice. How many people will he have to pare out of his life, in order to keep Ravka safe? How many will he have to lose, and how much will it take from him?
He turns his head, expression troubled. His hands play on Alina’s back, fingers curving against her spine. ]
Once you worried that I was like him.
[ The Darkling. Nikolai speaks calmly, but he doesn’t feel calm. ]
I told you that I was ambitious. That I made no apology for it, but that I hoped I still knew the difference between right and wrong. Do you remember?
[ He pauses for a second, long enough to take a breath. Not long enough to let her answer. He knows she remembers. ]
I don’t know that it’s true anymore. I think that line has blurred. A good man wouldn’t do what I have done. I’m doing what’s needed of me, and not what’s right.
It was easier when I could be Sturmhond, fighting Ravka’s wars. What kind of King does it make me, Alina, what kind of man does it make me, if this is what I have to do to rule?
[ She remembered the conversation. It was hard to forget it. It was one of the ones from when they'd only just been getting to know each other, and his surprise that he wasn't sure he wouldn't do something like this had scared him.
Now look at them both. It wasn't just her losing herself.
She looked up at him, sadness clear in her eyes as she curled against him and watched him. ]
You're not him. [ It comes out nearly strained, the tears finally finding the corners of her eyes. She shakes her head and holds him close in her arms. ] You're never him.
He's greedy and selfish and he doesn't care anything for the lives he's spilled. He wouldn't be upset over the death of a friend. Not like you are.
I was wrong to say that to you. I didn't know you then. I know you now. You're a good King, Nikolai. The best Ravka could hope for. You fight to save people who starve and fear for their lives and for children whose hands Ravka put guns in.
You fight for us. All of us. To give us freedom and a future again. [ She touched his cheek lightly and found his eyes. ]
You're a good man, Nikolai. The best man I've ever known. You don't do this lightly but you do it to protect people. You did it to protect Ravka and would have done it to protect me.
You're a good man. Don't ever doubt that.[ She had cried more tears than she even had to give over the past few days for Kotetsu and Barnaby. She thought she had nothing left. But seeing Nikolai like this, broken and questioning himself when he was usually so strong. That brought those tears back.
[ Strange, that she's the one telling him that now. Originally, he'd been the one trying to convince her. He'd been trying to prove himself to her, so that she'd lend her allegiance to him, and thus the allegiance of her followers.
Nikolai had sought her friendship because it was useful. His moves had all been calculated. She knew that. Truly growing close to her had almost been accidental, though since any amount of closeness was helpful, he hadn't tried to stop it.
Now it seems there's more of a truth to it. Almost by accident, she has become his friend in truth. And more than that, here.
He leans back, hearing the tremor in her voice, and he sees the moisture at the corners of her eyes. Nikolai's lips find her forehead, very gently.</small. ]
I hope that you are right. I want you to be, because I don't feel it now.
Don't cry for me, Alina. I will protect you. The worst thing about this is knowing you feel it, too. I always wanted you to be strong, but not this strong. You were still innocent.
I'm so sorry, for what I asked of you. What I keep asking.
I can say no. [ She reminds him. ] You told me a long time ago that if I didn't want any of this, I just had to say so. That you would take me somewhere far away and leave me to my peace.
[ Once upon a time that had been all she wanted. Once she had wanted to take all she loved and run. Disappear. Leave the Darkling and Ravka to someone else. Nikolai may have dragged her back to it, nearly kicking and screaming. But he had never held her to it. He had always promised her he would let her make that choice. ]
I know the choices I make. I know what I'm doing. None of what I do is on you. [ She pressed her forehead against his and closed her eyes. ]
But that promise applies at home, Alina. I can't take you out of this.
[ He brings his hand up to her cheek and lays it there, touching her gently. He's worried about her. In truth he's worried about them both. The longer they're here, the deeper into all of it they seem to get. At the end of it, will they be able to get back out?
They still have a country to save, when all of this is over.
He sighs, and turns his head to kiss her cheek. ]
I know. I am glad that we're together. That makes me selfish, in some respects, but it's true.
I made my choice for this, though. I said yes to their recruit. I'm not your responsibility here.
[ She doesn't want to be his burden. She wants to support him. she wants them to support each other.
She was wrong. She shouldn't defend him and he shouldn't defend her. Neither was more important than the other. They needed each other. They would work together, not one of them vying to protect the other over their own life.
She kisses him gently as he kisses her cheek, trying to bring him some comfort. ]
So am I. Maybe we're both selfish?
But I don't think I could have done this without you... I couldn't have survived.
You are always my responsibility. You’re my friend.
[ Yet as soon as he says that, Nikolai realises that it’s wrong.
He’d spent a fair lot of time wondering if Alina really was his friend, or
if they were still just allies. He doesn’t tend to trust much to his
feelings. Everything is based on logic and reason. But after wondering
whether he could truly count her as a friend, he now realises that
the word isn’t nearly enough. Not for what she’s come to mean to him here.
His hands trail down to hers, and take them. ]
You’re more than that. You could have survived without me, Alina. You never
needed me to make you strong. It was always me who needed you. In Ravka, as
well.
[ He’d needed her to strengthen his claim to the throne. He’d needed
her to help him rally the people, to give them hope against the Darkling.
He had needed her far more than she’d ever needed him. That, perhaps, had
been the problem. He would never have sought her out if he hadn’t needed
her. So how could she ever trust him?
If he’d never sought her out, he would have been poorer for it. He
finds himself leaning instinctively into her kiss, and drawing her closer
into his arms. ]
I still do. Just not in the way I expected. I never expected to care so
much for you.
[ Alina looks up at him as he talks, trying to listen to what he's saying.
She's never really thought of all of this from his side of things. She's considered his position and his thoughts on everything, but not really how he feels about any of it.
He's always needed her. She's known this since they first met. But that didn't start with him. Ravka has needed her ever since she learned she could summon sunlight. The Darkling had needed her. The King has needed her. Nikolai has needed her. It's been part of why she fears getting close to anyone. Her life wasn't defined by friendship anymore, it was defined by alliances. By political power using her physical power.
Nikolai was a part of that political power. Not by choice, but that didn't make him any less a part of it. And she knows deep down that if she wasn't a sun summoner the two of them would have never met.
She couldn't hold that against him, though. Life had a way of bringing people together, even if it was just because they worked in the army together. This was just the way that life had chosen to bring them together. And truth be told, he had stopped being her ally a long time ago. He was her friend before they'd even come here. He was more to her now. Nikolai wasn't so lucky, though. He had more to consider. More to think about than she did. He had duty that had made his emotions inconsequential.
And yet he said that to her now. He wasn't just talking about how he needed her power, but how he needed her because he cared about her.
She leaned into his touch, curling in his arms and pressing her forehead to his as she stroked his cheek. ]
I care about you, too. [ She answered him softly. ] As far more than a friend. You've been more than a friend to me for... for a long time now.
I think I'm falling for you, Nikolai. I think I have been for awhile...
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It's oddly comforting. It reminds her that he is human after all.
She comes inside without little more invitation and even goes to sit on his bed. ]
You were? [ She asks, eyes finding his. Then she shrugs. ]
I wanted to be near you for awhile.
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Words he lives by. Not just advice, in the end.
He closes the door behind her and then moves for her, reaching out to settle his hand against her cheek. ]
I'm not overly keen for you to leave, actually. How are you?
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I'm.... I'm holding up. [ It's the best that cane be asked for, right? She looks up into his eyes. ]
And you?
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I don't know. I've never killed a friend before. Not like that.
[ He moves to the kitchen area, reaching for the energy drink. The first night, he'd put himself to sleep with brandy. Since then, it's been this. ]
Do you want something to drink? I have plenty. You can have your choice.
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But she lets him get his drink and shakes her head. ]
Sometimes I think about what killing the Darkling will be like... It's hard already. [ And things with the Darkling are more complicated with Kotetsu. With Kotetsu? It's harder. ]
This should have been impossible. It scares me how easy it was...
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He shakes his head at her, worry creeping into his eyes and displacing some of the cold. ]
It didn't feel easy.
Nor did you seem to take to it. You were ready to die for him, Alina. You're not a monster.
You did what needed to be done, no more than that.
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As comfortable as she can. ]
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[ He stops moving, his back to her at first, but he turns. Sees her on the bed, looking small and lost and so, so unhappy.
Leaving the drink, Nikolai goes to her and runs his hands onto her arms, stroking her skin. ]
We did what we had to do. You know we did, there was no other choice.
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But then this would be his alone.
She moves closer to him as he joins her again. She can't help herself. Usually she respects his distance but right now every part of her craves human interaction where she can get it. ]
People call me a saint, Nikolai. I'm not saint. I'm not a savior.
I'm just here to murder people.
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She's not even crying now. She should be, with those words. Maybe she's lost all the tears. Maybe they're gone.
He doesn't like that thought. ]
They call you a Saint because they believe you will save them, Alina. Faith is important. You've seen the strength of it.
[ He moves one hand up to her cheek again. ]
To be a saviour, you must be in a position to save. Sometimes that requires sacrifice. Sometimes too much. And not always yours.
I know that makes it no easier.
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And you? [ She asks. Again. ]
You do more than I ever could for this country.
If anything, I'm your blade and you're our savior. [ He wouldn't know the reference. It doesn't matter.
It's true, though. ]
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But it makes his lips tick upwards, all the same. He shakes his head. ]
I'm your prince.
And you are someone who has given more for your country than I have any right to ask.
I'm so sorry.
[ The smile, such as it was, has vanished now. He leans forward, touching his forehead to hers. ]
You should have let me do it. You should have let me do the killing, and you wouldn't feel like this now.
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He says that and shakes his head. ]
I know you act strong. Weakness is a guise, I've never forgotten.
But even you have your limits, Nikolai. I would never leave this burden all to you.
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I'm used to playing this part. This part is why I created Sturmhond. You know that.
[ To make the hard choices. To do the killing, to go where the army couldn't. Where royalty couldn't. But where the work still needed done. ]
But I know you as well. You'll do this even though it hurts you. Why do you ever doubt yourself, Alina? Why do you think our people wrong to believe in you, when this is the strength that's in you?
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I don't mean my conscience. I mean it's changing me. I killed my first person at home when I went back. And part of me liked it. Part of me wanted to kill Sergei. Parted me wanted to make the Apparat crawl on his knees and beg me for forgiveness in front of everyone.
[ Her fingers tighten. She can't look at him. Not when she feels such shame. ] There's a part of me that just keeps pushing deeper and deeper into madness. Sometimes I understand the Darkling. And I think if I ever did get the firebird, I would just be completing my transformation in to becoming him.
But I need it, anyway. I have to. [ She closes her eyes. ]
You promised Baghra you would put a bullet in my head if I ever became him.
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At the last part, he sees it. He sees Alina in his mind, bathed in light, using her power to kill his people. Just like the Darkling.
His eyes close, and his hands tighten on her. ]
I would.
[ The words are brushed, whispered, against her neck. Nikolai lets his cheek drop to her shoulder. ]
I will. If ever you become the thing you hate, I'll kill you. I won't hesitate, any more than I did with Barnaby. I give you my word.
[ His hand brushes her jaw, before sliding down so that both arms can pull her tightly against him. ]
You won't need it. You have his flair for drama, but not his pure insanity.
You killed because you had to. Perhaps you were tempted, but you resisted. He has never cared to. I won't have to kill you.
[ He breathes, and manages a laugh - a rough one. He makes his voice turn light. ]
Don't be so dramatic.
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But she tells him while he kisses her and sends shivers down her spine and buries his face against her neck. She tells him and he tells her he will keep that promise. But he won't have to.
Her fear may never be completely gone, but he's eased it more than she can even tell him. Just because he sees her so clearly and she trusts no one's judgement more than him.
She gives a slight laugh and lets herself fall into him. She's curled in against him as he holds her tighter. Her face turns against his chest and she breathes in his scent with a soft sigh. He's so physical tonight. She's never seen him quite like this.
Then again, they've never been quite like this. This broken.
She brushes her lips over his neck. ] I wouldn't be me if I weren't dramatic. [ She smiles slightly.
She brushes her fingers over his cheek. ] What are you thinking?
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Of too many things, quite frankly. That’s almost always the case with Nikolai, but it’s worse tonight. Has been worse, since he killed Barnaby. He keeps seeing that moment again, playing out in front of his eyes. The sword piercing his friend’s chest, the way he’d fallen back against Kotetsu before Nikolai had time to catch him, the sound of the gunshot that sent Kotetsu after him.
Over and over and over again. And it’s right that it should be so. Barnaby deserves far more from him than his guilt.
The wrongness of it is the other image that comes up, unbidden. Of Alina on the end of that sword instead of Barnaby, while he promises to kill her. Of his mother and his father, while he tells them that it’s this, or exile. That’s what he keeps thinking of. He knows that this doesn’t end here, with this one choice. How many people will he have to pare out of his life, in order to keep Ravka safe? How many will he have to lose, and how much will it take from him?
He turns his head, expression troubled. His hands play on Alina’s back, fingers curving against her spine. ]
Once you worried that I was like him.
[ The Darkling. Nikolai speaks calmly, but he doesn’t feel calm. ]
I told you that I was ambitious. That I made no apology for it, but that I hoped I still knew the difference between right and wrong. Do you remember?
[ He pauses for a second, long enough to take a breath. Not long enough to let her answer. He knows she remembers. ]
I don’t know that it’s true anymore. I think that line has blurred. A good man wouldn’t do what I have done. I’m doing what’s needed of me, and not what’s right.
It was easier when I could be Sturmhond, fighting Ravka’s wars. What kind of King does it make me, Alina, what kind of man does it make me, if this is what I have to do to rule?
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Now look at them both. It wasn't just her losing herself.
She looked up at him, sadness clear in her eyes as she curled against him and watched him. ]
You're not him. [ It comes out nearly strained, the tears finally finding the corners of her eyes. She shakes her head and holds him close in her arms. ] You're never him.
He's greedy and selfish and he doesn't care anything for the lives he's spilled. He wouldn't be upset over the death of a friend. Not like you are.
I was wrong to say that to you. I didn't know you then. I know you now. You're a good King, Nikolai. The best Ravka could hope for. You fight to save people who starve and fear for their lives and for children whose hands Ravka put guns in.
You fight for us. All of us. To give us freedom and a future again. [ She touched his cheek lightly and found his eyes. ]
You're a good man, Nikolai. The best man I've ever known. You don't do this lightly but you do it to protect people. You did it to protect Ravka and would have done it to protect me.
You're a good man. Don't ever doubt that.[ She had cried more tears than she even had to give over the past few days for Kotetsu and Barnaby. She thought she had nothing left. But seeing Nikolai like this, broken and questioning himself when he was usually so strong. That brought those tears back.
He didn't deserve this. ]
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Nikolai had sought her friendship because it was useful. His moves had all been calculated. She knew that. Truly growing close to her had almost been accidental, though since any amount of closeness was helpful, he hadn't tried to stop it.
Now it seems there's more of a truth to it. Almost by accident, she has become his friend in truth. And more than that, here.
He leans back, hearing the tremor in her voice, and he sees the moisture at the corners of her eyes. Nikolai's lips find her forehead, very gently.</small. ] I hope that you are right. I want you to be, because I don't feel it now. Don't cry for me, Alina. I will protect you. The worst thing about this is knowing you feel it, too. I always wanted you to be strong, but not this strong. You were still innocent. I'm so sorry, for what I asked of you. What I keep asking.
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[ Once upon a time that had been all she wanted. Once she had wanted to take all she loved and run. Disappear. Leave the Darkling and Ravka to someone else. Nikolai may have dragged her back to it, nearly kicking and screaming. But he had never held her to it. He had always promised her he would let her make that choice. ]
I know the choices I make. I know what I'm doing. None of what I do is on you. [ She pressed her forehead against his and closed her eyes. ]
But I'm not alone. And neither are you.
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But that promise applies at home, Alina. I can't take you out of this.
[ He brings his hand up to her cheek and lays it there, touching her gently. He's worried about her. In truth he's worried about them both. The longer they're here, the deeper into all of it they seem to get. At the end of it, will they be able to get back out?
They still have a country to save, when all of this is over.
He sighs, and turns his head to kiss her cheek. ]
I know. I am glad that we're together. That makes me selfish, in some respects, but it's true.
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[ She doesn't want to be his burden. She wants to support him. she wants them to support each other.
She was wrong. She shouldn't defend him and he shouldn't defend her. Neither was more important than the other. They needed each other. They would work together, not one of them vying to protect the other over their own life.
She kisses him gently as he kisses her cheek, trying to bring him some comfort. ]
So am I. Maybe we're both selfish?
But I don't think I could have done this without you... I couldn't have survived.
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[ Nikolai shakes his head at that. ]
You are always my responsibility. You’re my friend.
[ Yet as soon as he says that, Nikolai realises that it’s wrong. He’d spent a fair lot of time wondering if Alina really was his friend, or if they were still just allies. He doesn’t tend to trust much to his feelings. Everything is based on logic and reason. But after wondering whether he could truly count her as a friend, he now realises that the word isn’t nearly enough. Not for what she’s come to mean to him here. His hands trail down to hers, and take them. ]
You’re more than that. You could have survived without me, Alina. You never needed me to make you strong. It was always me who needed you. In Ravka, as well.
[ He’d needed her to strengthen his claim to the throne. He’d needed her to help him rally the people, to give them hope against the Darkling. He had needed her far more than she’d ever needed him. That, perhaps, had been the problem. He would never have sought her out if he hadn’t needed her. So how could she ever trust him?
If he’d never sought her out, he would have been poorer for it. He finds himself leaning instinctively into her kiss, and drawing her closer into his arms. ]
I still do. Just not in the way I expected. I never expected to care so much for you.
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She's never really thought of all of this from his side of things. She's considered his position and his thoughts on everything, but not really how he feels about any of it.
He's always needed her. She's known this since they first met. But that didn't start with him. Ravka has needed her ever since she learned she could summon sunlight. The Darkling had needed her. The King has needed her. Nikolai has needed her. It's been part of why she fears getting close to anyone. Her life wasn't defined by friendship anymore, it was defined by alliances. By political power using her physical power.
Nikolai was a part of that political power. Not by choice, but that didn't make him any less a part of it. And she knows deep down that if she wasn't a sun summoner the two of them would have never met.
She couldn't hold that against him, though. Life had a way of bringing people together, even if it was just because they worked in the army together. This was just the way that life had chosen to bring them together. And truth be told, he had stopped being her ally a long time ago. He was her friend before they'd even come here. He was more to her now. Nikolai wasn't so lucky, though. He had more to consider. More to think about than she did. He had duty that had made his emotions inconsequential.
And yet he said that to her now. He wasn't just talking about how he needed her power, but how he needed her because he cared about her.
She leaned into his touch, curling in his arms and pressing her forehead to his as she stroked his cheek. ]
I care about you, too. [ She answered him softly. ] As far more than a friend. You've been more than a friend to me for... for a long time now.
I think I'm falling for you, Nikolai. I think I have been for awhile...
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