You are always my responsibility. You’re my friend.
[ Yet as soon as he says that, Nikolai realises that it’s wrong.
He’d spent a fair lot of time wondering if Alina really was his friend, or
if they were still just allies. He doesn’t tend to trust much to his
feelings. Everything is based on logic and reason. But after wondering
whether he could truly count her as a friend, he now realises that
the word isn’t nearly enough. Not for what she’s come to mean to him here.
His hands trail down to hers, and take them. ]
You’re more than that. You could have survived without me, Alina. You never
needed me to make you strong. It was always me who needed you. In Ravka, as
well.
[ He’d needed her to strengthen his claim to the throne. He’d needed
her to help him rally the people, to give them hope against the Darkling.
He had needed her far more than she’d ever needed him. That, perhaps, had
been the problem. He would never have sought her out if he hadn’t needed
her. So how could she ever trust him?
If he’d never sought her out, he would have been poorer for it. He
finds himself leaning instinctively into her kiss, and drawing her closer
into his arms. ]
I still do. Just not in the way I expected. I never expected to care so
much for you.
[ Alina looks up at him as he talks, trying to listen to what he's saying.
She's never really thought of all of this from his side of things. She's considered his position and his thoughts on everything, but not really how he feels about any of it.
He's always needed her. She's known this since they first met. But that didn't start with him. Ravka has needed her ever since she learned she could summon sunlight. The Darkling had needed her. The King has needed her. Nikolai has needed her. It's been part of why she fears getting close to anyone. Her life wasn't defined by friendship anymore, it was defined by alliances. By political power using her physical power.
Nikolai was a part of that political power. Not by choice, but that didn't make him any less a part of it. And she knows deep down that if she wasn't a sun summoner the two of them would have never met.
She couldn't hold that against him, though. Life had a way of bringing people together, even if it was just because they worked in the army together. This was just the way that life had chosen to bring them together. And truth be told, he had stopped being her ally a long time ago. He was her friend before they'd even come here. He was more to her now. Nikolai wasn't so lucky, though. He had more to consider. More to think about than she did. He had duty that had made his emotions inconsequential.
And yet he said that to her now. He wasn't just talking about how he needed her power, but how he needed her because he cared about her.
She leaned into his touch, curling in his arms and pressing her forehead to his as she stroked his cheek. ]
I care about you, too. [ She answered him softly. ] As far more than a friend. You've been more than a friend to me for... for a long time now.
I think I'm falling for you, Nikolai. I think I have been for awhile...
[ Falling for him. Nikolai watches her eyes while she says that. The
thing is, Nikolai has always treated that sort of sentiment with
scepticism. He remembers when they met, how casually he had told her that
many women dreamed of him, how easy it is to be confident and flamboyant.
And also, for Nikolai, how easy it is to be charming and flirtatious and
kind. His feelings have been used as little more than a guise, and he
slides easily from one mask to another. It’s not that he doesn’t let
himself feel. He does feel. It’s just that his emotions never control him,
never rule him. He doesn’t rely on them. It’s why he can seem friendly one
moment, and ruthless the next. He doesn’t let himself be overcome, he’s
trained himself out of that.
Could he love Alina? He asks himself the question now. He had always
been taught that love didn’t matter. After all, he has to marry for
alliance. Love, if anything, would only get in the way. But he does care
about her.
The things is, the rest is also true. He still needs her alliance.
He still needs her help. It will never be as simple as a man and a woman
feeling for each other, and he knows that’s how she would like it to be.
That’s what she deserves, and he can never give that to her. There will
never be a selflessness to his feelings for her, because his duty to his
country will always sit between them.
But all that aside, could he love her?
Maybe. He’s not sure if he does. He’s not sure if he could truly
admit it to himself even if he did, but he thinks it’s the closest he’s
ever come.
He touches her face, strokes his fingers down to her chin and lifts
it up, so that her eyes can meet his. ]
I would like us to have a chance, Alina. I don’t want us to stop here. I
want to go down this road with you and see where it takes us.
I want to make you happy. Once I asked you to be my wife. Asking that was
thoughtless, then. I don’t just want to be your ally. I want to be with
you. If you’re falling for me, I’d like to fall with you.
[ That sounds ridiculous. And charming, and trite, and none of those
are how he wants to sound. He’s surprised to find that he means it. That’s
a new experience. ]
[ She's not foolish enough to fall without thinking. Actually, if anything she's resisted him more than she might have were he anyone else.
Because the truth is, her falling for him is advantageous to him. And whether he's falling for her or fallen or come anywhere close, she knows that he'd marry her regardless. Because she's useful. She's another strength to his claim of the crown. She's a way to unite their land in a way it's never been before.
She fears that, in part. She fears it because she's afraid Nikolai will use it against her. That he'll use her love of him to get what is best for the country and what has nothing to do with his true emotions. She fears marrying and loving a man who doesn't love her back.
But she's come to trust Nikolai, too. He's earned her trust the long way. He's done everything he can possibly do for her. He's been honest and real with her in a way he's not with others. So he doesn't exactly say he's falling for her. Or has fallen. Or that he's in love with her too.
But he wants to be. He wants to continue on a path they're already on and see if it can go to it's fullest. He doesn't want to be just her ally, he wants to be with her.
She looks in his eyes as he confesses all this to her, pressed in close against him with no space between them. She doesn't want space. She doesn't need space anymore. Every one is falling away from her already that she can't let Nikolai slip from her too.
She closes her eyes and nudges his nose lightly with her own as her arms close around him. ]
I'd like that. [ She says, softly. ] I'd like to see this through... I'd like to see where this takes us. [ Because if she is falling in love with him, then she's not sure she can let him go. ]
[ He watches her eyes very closely while she thinks about it. While she decides.
Eventually, it seems, the news is good. Far from pulling away, she's pushing in closer to him. Nikolai moves his arms around her, pulling her in flat against his body, and tilting his head to nudge at her lips.. ]
Closer together, I hope. Alina...
[ He doesn't finish. Instead, he closes the very small distance between their lips and kisses her. This is smooth and deep, his tongue flicking out to taste hers, while his hands splay over her back.He has a lot of pent up feeling - grief, for Barnaby, guilt for what he's done, longing for Alina, and guilt that he's feeling the longing at all at a time like this. He pushes all of that into his kiss, letting it drive him on. ]
[ He really doesn't have to say more. She knows how he feels now. She knows what he hopes for.
She hopes for the same things. She wants these things with him. She wants to be close to him. To love him. To be loved by him in his own way. She wants him.
And she wants to forget everything else. She wants to leave behind the grief that's consumed her for days now. She wants to leave behind the fears that she's becoming the monster she swore to defeat. She wants to forget all of that and focus on the last remaining good in her life. The one thing she has hope for still. Them.
She leans into his kiss, deepening it easily. Her tongue brushes against him and she sighs as she breathes in his scent. She moves closer to him still, sliding in against him as his hands splay across her back. He kisses her harder and she returns his kiss with as much intensity, kissing him deeply until all she knows his him anymore. ]
[ She presses in, and Nikolai feels her body lining up with his. All the pressure, all the upset and grief of the last few days, seems to flood away in this. He’s kissing her deeply and passionately and she’s returning every inch of it, kissing him back and encouraging him rather than sending him away.
Their lips part for the barest moment while Nikolai breathes, and then he’s kissing her again. His teeth graze her lower lip and his hands move eagerly over her back, smoothing and touching her. A sudden thought occurs, that he wishes there were not so many layers between them, and then he catches himself. He breaks away, eyes wide and staring at her, because he knows how easy it would be to just not stop.
And he knows that’s what he wants. He wants to take her to his bed, to guide her to it and kiss her and touch her and peel the layers away and not stop, not stop at all. Nikolai wets his lips and meets her eyes. ]
Alina?
[ Is this what she wants? Because if it’s not, they’ll need to get a hold of themselves sooner rather than later. ]
[ She's falling deeper into him, getting lost him until all that's left is him and her.
It's exactly at that moment that he breaks away.
Alina stares up at him with wide, wild eyes of her own. Her breathing is heavy and her cheeks are flushed. Her fingers are pressed into his back and they instinctively loosen as he leans away from her, waiting to let him go if he chose to go.
She didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay right where he was, pressed against her and kissing her and touching her. She wanted more than that. Her heart was pounding in her chest. ]
He doesn't really need more than that. He's breathing hard, his body feeling warm for the first time in days. His hand comes up, threading through her hair, pushing it back from her face and neck. He wets his lips, and letting out a breath, he nods.
Then he's back against her again, kissing her. Licking his way into her mouth and tasting her, relishing the feeling of her against him. This time, when his hands find the edge of her coat he slips them beneath it, getting closer to her skin. Gently, he moves back. His bunk is behind them, and his hands find her waist to lift her up, and set her on it. Then he's pressing even closer. If this is what she wants, he's in no mood to resist. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Nikolai shakes his head at that. ]
You are always my responsibility. You’re my friend.
[ Yet as soon as he says that, Nikolai realises that it’s wrong. He’d spent a fair lot of time wondering if Alina really was his friend, or if they were still just allies. He doesn’t tend to trust much to his feelings. Everything is based on logic and reason. But after wondering whether he could truly count her as a friend, he now realises that the word isn’t nearly enough. Not for what she’s come to mean to him here. His hands trail down to hers, and take them. ]
You’re more than that. You could have survived without me, Alina. You never needed me to make you strong. It was always me who needed you. In Ravka, as well.
[ He’d needed her to strengthen his claim to the throne. He’d needed her to help him rally the people, to give them hope against the Darkling. He had needed her far more than she’d ever needed him. That, perhaps, had been the problem. He would never have sought her out if he hadn’t needed her. So how could she ever trust him?
If he’d never sought her out, he would have been poorer for it. He finds himself leaning instinctively into her kiss, and drawing her closer into his arms. ]
I still do. Just not in the way I expected. I never expected to care so much for you.
no subject
She's never really thought of all of this from his side of things. She's considered his position and his thoughts on everything, but not really how he feels about any of it.
He's always needed her. She's known this since they first met. But that didn't start with him. Ravka has needed her ever since she learned she could summon sunlight. The Darkling had needed her. The King has needed her. Nikolai has needed her. It's been part of why she fears getting close to anyone. Her life wasn't defined by friendship anymore, it was defined by alliances. By political power using her physical power.
Nikolai was a part of that political power. Not by choice, but that didn't make him any less a part of it. And she knows deep down that if she wasn't a sun summoner the two of them would have never met.
She couldn't hold that against him, though. Life had a way of bringing people together, even if it was just because they worked in the army together. This was just the way that life had chosen to bring them together. And truth be told, he had stopped being her ally a long time ago. He was her friend before they'd even come here. He was more to her now. Nikolai wasn't so lucky, though. He had more to consider. More to think about than she did. He had duty that had made his emotions inconsequential.
And yet he said that to her now. He wasn't just talking about how he needed her power, but how he needed her because he cared about her.
She leaned into his touch, curling in his arms and pressing her forehead to his as she stroked his cheek. ]
I care about you, too. [ She answered him softly. ] As far more than a friend. You've been more than a friend to me for... for a long time now.
I think I'm falling for you, Nikolai. I think I have been for awhile...
no subject
[ Falling for him. Nikolai watches her eyes while she says that. The thing is, Nikolai has always treated that sort of sentiment with scepticism. He remembers when they met, how casually he had told her that many women dreamed of him, how easy it is to be confident and flamboyant. And also, for Nikolai, how easy it is to be charming and flirtatious and kind. His feelings have been used as little more than a guise, and he slides easily from one mask to another. It’s not that he doesn’t let himself feel. He does feel. It’s just that his emotions never control him, never rule him. He doesn’t rely on them. It’s why he can seem friendly one moment, and ruthless the next. He doesn’t let himself be overcome, he’s trained himself out of that.
Could he love Alina? He asks himself the question now. He had always been taught that love didn’t matter. After all, he has to marry for alliance. Love, if anything, would only get in the way. But he does care about her.
The things is, the rest is also true. He still needs her alliance. He still needs her help. It will never be as simple as a man and a woman feeling for each other, and he knows that’s how she would like it to be. That’s what she deserves, and he can never give that to her. There will never be a selflessness to his feelings for her, because his duty to his country will always sit between them.
But all that aside, could he love her?
Maybe. He’s not sure if he does. He’s not sure if he could truly admit it to himself even if he did, but he thinks it’s the closest he’s ever come.
He touches her face, strokes his fingers down to her chin and lifts it up, so that her eyes can meet his. ]
I would like us to have a chance, Alina. I don’t want us to stop here. I want to go down this road with you and see where it takes us.
I want to make you happy. Once I asked you to be my wife. Asking that was thoughtless, then. I don’t just want to be your ally. I want to be with you. If you’re falling for me, I’d like to fall with you.
[ That sounds ridiculous. And charming, and trite, and none of those are how he wants to sound. He’s surprised to find that he means it. That’s a new experience. ]
If you’ll give me the chance.
no subject
Because the truth is, her falling for him is advantageous to him. And whether he's falling for her or fallen or come anywhere close, she knows that he'd marry her regardless. Because she's useful. She's another strength to his claim of the crown. She's a way to unite their land in a way it's never been before.
She fears that, in part. She fears it because she's afraid Nikolai will use it against her. That he'll use her love of him to get what is best for the country and what has nothing to do with his true emotions. She fears marrying and loving a man who doesn't love her back.
But she's come to trust Nikolai, too. He's earned her trust the long way. He's done everything he can possibly do for her. He's been honest and real with her in a way he's not with others. So he doesn't exactly say he's falling for her. Or has fallen. Or that he's in love with her too.
But he wants to be. He wants to continue on a path they're already on and see if it can go to it's fullest. He doesn't want to be just her ally, he wants to be with her.
She looks in his eyes as he confesses all this to her, pressed in close against him with no space between them. She doesn't want space. She doesn't need space anymore. Every one is falling away from her already that she can't let Nikolai slip from her too.
She closes her eyes and nudges his nose lightly with her own as her arms close around him. ]
I'd like that. [ She says, softly. ] I'd like to see this through... I'd like to see where this takes us. [ Because if she is falling in love with him, then she's not sure she can let him go. ]
no subject
Eventually, it seems, the news is good. Far from pulling away, she's pushing in closer to him. Nikolai moves his arms around her, pulling her in flat against his body, and tilting his head to nudge at her lips.. ]
Closer together, I hope. Alina...
[ He doesn't finish. Instead, he closes the very small distance between their lips and kisses her. This is smooth and deep, his tongue flicking out to taste hers, while his hands splay over her back.He has a lot of pent up feeling - grief, for Barnaby, guilt for what he's done, longing for Alina, and guilt that he's feeling the longing at all at a time like this. He pushes all of that into his kiss, letting it drive him on. ]
no subject
She hopes for the same things. She wants these things with him. She wants to be close to him. To love him. To be loved by him in his own way. She wants him.
And she wants to forget everything else. She wants to leave behind the grief that's consumed her for days now. She wants to leave behind the fears that she's becoming the monster she swore to defeat. She wants to forget all of that and focus on the last remaining good in her life. The one thing she has hope for still. Them.
She leans into his kiss, deepening it easily. Her tongue brushes against him and she sighs as she breathes in his scent. She moves closer to him still, sliding in against him as his hands splay across her back. He kisses her harder and she returns his kiss with as much intensity, kissing him deeply until all she knows his him anymore. ]
no subject
Their lips part for the barest moment while Nikolai breathes, and then he’s kissing her again. His teeth graze her lower lip and his hands move eagerly over her back, smoothing and touching her. A sudden thought occurs, that he wishes there were not so many layers between them, and then he catches himself. He breaks away, eyes wide and staring at her, because he knows how easy it would be to just not stop.
And he knows that’s what he wants. He wants to take her to his bed, to guide her to it and kiss her and touch her and peel the layers away and not stop, not stop at all. Nikolai wets his lips and meets her eyes. ]
Alina?
[ Is this what she wants? Because if it’s not, they’ll need to get a hold of themselves sooner rather than later. ]
no subject
It's exactly at that moment that he breaks away.
Alina stares up at him with wide, wild eyes of her own. Her breathing is heavy and her cheeks are flushed. Her fingers are pressed into his back and they instinctively loosen as he leans away from her, waiting to let him go if he chose to go.
She didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay right where he was, pressed against her and kissing her and touching her. She wanted more than that. Her heart was pounding in her chest. ]
Nikolai.... we...
Please? [ She finally settles on softly ]
no subject
He doesn't really need more than that. He's breathing hard, his body feeling warm for the first time in days. His hand comes up, threading through her hair, pushing it back from her face and neck. He wets his lips, and letting out a breath, he nods.
Then he's back against her again, kissing her. Licking his way into her mouth and tasting her, relishing the feeling of her against him. This time, when his hands find the edge of her coat he slips them beneath it, getting closer to her skin. Gently, he moves back. His bunk is behind them, and his hands find her waist to lift her up, and set her on it. Then he's pressing even closer. If this is what she wants, he's in no mood to resist. ]
no subject