[ He won't actually be hard to find. Just follow the dulcet tones of the tiny explosions he's generating, and you'll come across him sooner or later. ]
[ You're blowing things up without him? On any other day Barnaby might be offended, but he's more troubled than he has been in some time and too preoccupied to notice. He'd tried to encourage Justice to stay behind with Galahad, but she'd scratched him every time he'd tried to tell her no. In the end she was following along beside him as he went to seek out Sturmhond, keeping close to his heels.
When he finally gets there, Sturmhond will be likely to notice how tired Barnaby looks. He hasn't managed to sleep since Dagger's announcement despite his best efforts; in the end he'd given up, laid awake and stared at the ceiling for a while, before contacting the only person who he thought might understand. After seeing what he's up to, there's a small quirk of his lips. It all makes sense now. ]
Now I understand why you wanted some space. Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
[ Sturmhond is sitting on the ground, surrounded by small casings, with a vast array of powders, liquids and containers laid out around him. Korol is curled up on the ground behind him, watching with interest. The bahari's glowing lines are faint at present, reflect Sturmhond's concentration.
They flare slightly when Barnaby comes close. Korol gets up, nosing his way over to Justice, while Sturmhond looks up. He's wearing his face mask, from Ajna. Lifting it, he shows a smile, which fades when he takes in Barnaby's appearance. ]
You're not interrupting. Sit, and try not to touch anything that looks flammable. [ Which is most of what's laid out in front of them, actually. ]
What's the matter? You look terrible, Barnaby. [ And he means that in the best possible way. ]
[ When Barnaby sits, Justice immediately climbs into his lap and makes herself comfortable, even though by rights she’s a little too big for that privilege now. He barely seems to register the action. A number of different incidents have led to this moment, and it’s something that he never thought he’d have to acknowledge or confront. Thanks to Vriska, he doesn’t have any other choice.
For a long time, Barnaby stares at his hands. Sturmhond might almost begin to think that his friend didn’t hear him, but eventually he manages to speak without any further prompting. When he does his voice is quiet, his tone wavering despite knowing that what he’s going to say, he’s saying with absolute certainty. ]
You were right. About Kotetsu and I.
[ Or should he say that Sturmhond was right about Barnaby himself? ]
[ On top of looking terrible, Barnaby is acting awfully solemn. Sturmhond watches as Justice climbs into his lap, and then he shares an uncertain look with Korol. Berserkers aren't generally all that affectionate. Korol tends to be more so when he sense that Sturmhond is unhappy, and both of them wonder if that's what's going on now.
Sturmhond sets down his tools and waits, not prompting Barnaby through his silence. He'll let him talk when he's ready.
When he does, finally, Sturmhond lifts his eyebrows. He's not sure what brought this on, or why it would be lying so heavily on his friend. They'd talked about Barnaby's feelings for Kotetsu before, and he'd seemed certain of the way forward. Why this unhappiness now?
He leans back a little, shrugging, and gesturing with one hand. ]
[ Usually, such a comment would have earned at the very least a look of amusement from Barnaby. This time, there’s no humour in his demeanour or in his tone. To him, nothing is funny about this situation. Sturmhond is right, but the implications of that and what it means for him going forward has chilled him to the core. He is indeed distressed, and Justice has picked up on it. It’s exactly why she’s staying close to him now.
They have spoken about it before, but it wasn’t like this last time. There is a subtle, but important, difference regarding how things once were and how they are now. To him, it couldn’t get much worse than this. The timing is wrong, the feelings are wrong— ]
It isn’t that I simply care for him.
[ Anyone could see that he did. But Sturmhond was one of the few people who was able to pick up on the smaller hints, the nuances of their relationship. Even the most one-sided ones. This time, it’s gone beyond even that. When he finally finishes the thought, his tone is so quiet it’s difficult to hear. ]
[ Sturmhond had known this. He'd guessed at it before. Barnaby's feelings for Kotetsu had always been obvious to him; the protectiveness, the attachment. The codependency. He'd guessed at attraction, at feelings that were more than just friendship.
This, however, is an indication of much more, and it halts his smile. He stays quiet for a beat, waiting for Barnaby to go on. To clarify.
He doesn't, and then Sturmhond leans forward, a little frown line appearing between his eyes. ]
What. You mean you've fallen in love with him?
[ Another little pause, while sharp hazel eyes try to read Barnaby's face. ]
[ At first Barnaby doesn’t know what to say, especially when he sees the expression on his friend’s face. Normally this would be the time when someone felt inclined to say yes, to complete the admission. Such people would be happy at a time like this. It was supposed to be a pleasant feeling. But instead this reminds him too much of Vriska’s reaction, and it makes Barnaby feel cold.
All of a sudden, the words won’t come. Nor does he give any kind of physical reaction. The only tell is his expression, and a flicker of hurt appears ever so briefly before he stands, accidentally disrupting Justice in the process. ]
Do you think that I don't already know the risks? Besides that, I didn't choose this. I wouldn't have. And I don't need to be told that this is a terrible decision.
[ Now anger is taking hold, the feelings he has been suppressing bubbling up to consume him. No longer can he hold anything back, for better or for worse. ]
[ That’s quite a reaction. Startled, Sturmhond leans back a little. The miniature frown line disappears and his expression clears, like he’s flicked a switch. His tone changes as well, sounding less curious. It’s deliberately calm and easy now. ]
I didn’t say it was a terrible decision.
[ Just to clear that one up. He reaches to touch Korol, and the bahari needs no more instruction than that. He stands, and paws over to Justice. Crouching, he nudges his nose at her. She’d fallen. Is she okay?
Sturmhond still watches Barnaby, his head tilting slightly to the side. ]
Why are you angry? I thought you wanted to talk. I don’t think that anyone chooses who they fall in love with, though if I may say, you could do much worse than Kotetsu.
[ Thankfully Justice is fine, though when Korol comes to check on her she makes a pitiful noise, and settles close to him. She's worried about her companion, and it shows in the way her tail flicks back and forth anxiously. Her attention is mostly on him, no offence intended to the other bahari.
Why are you angry? It's a good question. Barnaby isn't angry at Sturmhond - in fact, he will in hindsight become embarrassed that he has lost his cool in such a way. It's the end result of months of stress, months of trying to ignore this. To let it go, in the hopes that his feelings will be irrelevant in the end. Being forced to confront it wasn't what he had hoped for.
In the end it probably isn't a bad thing, but it won't be pretty either. ]
He has a wife. In addition, we couldn't be in a worse position for something of this nature. It isn't about Kotetsu himself.
[ What's making him so angry isn't even that Kotetsu doesn't, and will never, return his feelings. But falling for him at a time such as this couldn't be worse. Thankfully, his tone is starting to return to normal, the only hint of his previous outburst being that his fists are clenched, his nails digging into his palms. ]
[ That's not an answer, not to the question Sturmhond asked. Or perhaps it is? He watches his friend, reading his anger and wondering at it. He stays quite still.
Beside them Korol has settled beside Justice and has draped his tail over her back. ]
He had a wife, Barnaby. [ Sturmhond says that very gently. ] Had a wife.
I don't doubt that he loved her, but people must move on, in life. I have seen how attached he is to you.
Why cannot you even entertain the idea that there might be more behind that?
[ During his lifetime, there is very little that Barnaby has wanted for himself. He became a Hero so that he could avenge his parents, and later on continued the cause because he wanted to help people. He's always been alone. He worked hard to get where he was in life, excelling at the Academy and graduating with top honours. Every door has been open to him, every path paved with hard work.
When Barnaby imagines himself standing in front of this door, it remains shut. Whether or not it's locked, he doesn't know, but that uncertainty stops him from reaching out to try the handle.
No matter what signs that he imagines he sees, it could all be for nothing in the end. It isn't that he doesn't trust Sturmhond's judgement, but that without being able to see it himself, Barnaby is afraid that what he wants is interfering with reality. ]
We're partners. He cares for me as a friend. The mere suggestion that there could be something more garners nothing more than an uncomfortable reaction from him and a denial. That speaks for itself.
[ They have no future. Not like that. Barnaby instead wants to focus on the future with Kotetsu that he can achieve. ]
[ Sturmhond is quiet for a moment. He doesn't want to say that Barnaby is wrong. Barnaby knows Kotetsu far better than he ever could. He does think he is too close to this to know for certain, however.
But in truth, it's Barnaby's current mood that has him worried, and he feels the need to try and settle it. ]
You do not know that. Not everyone finds it easy to accept something that's new. It has taken you long enough.
What is it that worries you so much, Barnaby? Why did you say this was a terrible idea? Is it solely because you fear he would say no?
Will it not take him even longer? After so long, he still cares for his wife. He may choose to never love again. I could not blame him for that. Theoretically I have nothing stopping me.
[ There are many reasons why this is a terrible idea. That one is the largest. However, there are still other troubles weighing on his mind. It is but one issue of a thousand. If he decided to talk about them, and even then he isn't sure of that, it would take all day and all night. Instead he sorts through his thoughts, weighs them up, and then tentatively bring up one of the main issues.
Quietly, hesitantly, he presses onwards. ]
I have been told that such feelings are a weakness. Sometimes, I am not sure that they are wrong in saying that. Especially in this kind of business.
[ Sturmhond smiles, just slightly. He's been working on keeping his expression clear, but he can't quite help himself now. ]
All feelings are a weakness.
[ Even when they're also useful. There's a reason he obeys his head instead of his heart. Emotions run without any sense of logic, and by definition, they do not always do the sensible thing. Of course they're a weakness. ]
You're human, Barnaby. You feel, and those feelings may serve to compromise you. That is an unfortunate fact of life, and not solely when someone is in love. I would contend that you are attached to him already. You would die for him. I know you would. That man holds your life in his hands.
Just as you hold his in yours. It goes both ways, and thus far, you have been a strength to him. It's always you who catches him when he falls. Literally, and figuratively.
[ He folds his arms, leaning back to regard Barnaby's face. ]
You're afraid he'll fall too far, and pull you with him. Is that it?
[ It shouldn’t be much of a surprise that Barnaby has always been a man who has let logic rule him, not his heart. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where he has been called an emotionless robot more than once. Like someone who read the dictionary and thesaurus as their first goal in life. Barnaby knows that his approach can give that impression to people, but on the whole he doesn’t let it bother him. He would rather take a calculated risk, than jump into something headfirst and think about the consequences later on.
Thus far, you have been a strength to him. Not long ago Barnaby had referred to Kotetsu in those words to Gliese, and she hadn’t believed him. She had challenged him on the concept, and he still believed it to be as true as when he’d uttered those words to her. It always had been. Together, they were much stronger than if they were apart. ]
You are right, in that I don’t think these feelings all of a sudden make me a liability. He and I have had an unbreakable bond far before this; that isn’t to say that I am not at risk for those feelings eventually compromising me, but I have yet to meet someone who can completely discard every emotion.
[ Perhaps those kinds of people did exist. But even within the CDC, he had yet to find anyone who specifically fitted that description. ]
He and I have died together already, once. [ It’s said quietly, because the reminder is not an easy one. But Barnaby does not regret what occurred that day. ] I have no doubt that it would happen a second time, if it became necessary. I am not afraid of falling. However, I do not think now that he would seek it out intentionally.
[ Once upon a time, he might have. Now it is different. ]
[ Sturmhond both sees and appreciates the bond that Barnaby and Kotetsu has. His feeling on it is that he hopes Barnaby could influence Kotetsu through it, not the other way around. Though, of course, a bond works in two directions. He can see why there's a worry, why other people have told Barnaby that they're worried.
What's also true is that everyone has weaknesses. It can help to know them for oneself, since it allows more of a guard against them. It's clearly upset Barnaby at a very deep level, however.
Sturmhond nods at the indication that they've died already, once. He otherwise doesn't react, which is a decent sign of how tightly he's reigning in his own feelings during this discussion. ]
What you do is your own decision. Telling him would be a risk. It would always be a risk, but sometimes these are risks worth taking. You're the only one who can decide.
But if you love him already, then already you are weak to him. He doesn't have to reciprocate for that to be so.
[ It's not that Barnaby doesn't understand why others are concerned. He does. But it doesn't stop him from being frustrated all the same. Their relationship has always been a delicate balance, even without the additional complicated feelings involved. But he thinks that the two of them are aware of it, and have been working on the issues that such a partnership represents when the scope of the CDC and their duties within it are considered.
Neither of them want to do something that will jeopardise the other. It's held true for the near year that they've spent enlisted, and he doesn't think that it will change. Just because there's an additional (admittedly complicated) layer there now doesn't mean that anything has to change. Perhaps that's what has Barnaby so worried, and in parts so frustrated too. Usually other people's perceptions don't worry him. But they're weighing on him now. ]
If we consider it in that context, he has been a weakness for me for some time. But despite these feelings, I believe that acknowledging it gives me room to prevent the issues that could arise from it.
After all, there is too much at stake here for all of us. My feelings will hardly enable me to change my core perceptions about how the CDC operates and my role within it. I have a duty to my world, and those from it. Including him.
[ It's true that he would do anything to keep Kotetsu safe. But right now, he believes the best way to do that is to listen to the CDC and what's being asked of them. Neither of them are so reckless that they would throw it all away, unless their task became too difficult to bear. Despite the difficulties that his partner is having with it, Barnaby doesn't think the time for that will come any time soon.
Maybe it will, some day. But he sees no reason to actively concern himself with it yet. If anything, it should be a thought he tucks into the back of his mind. ]
[ Sturmhond nods. It's no more than he expected: logical reasoning, the kind that he always associates with Barnaby. He's not the kind of man who acts on his feelings, not without due consideration first. In fact, Sturmhond thinks that's part of his problem where Kotetsu is concerned; he's logical, but he won't take the risks that his feelings require. That's the major difference between the two of them, he thinks. ]
Yes, you do. I don't believe that you would let your feelings come between you, and the rest of your world. If that is what others doubt, then I think they're wrong.
My question is why it bothers you so much. If you know this about yourself already, why are we having this conversation? Why did it make you so angry?
[ Or is it the case that Barnaby doubts himself more than he'll admit? It's possible. ]
Because that doubt has been vocalised, that someone believes myself or Kotetsu would jeopardise the safety of our worlds and go against the CDC. We have no such intentions. Ever since the very beginning, Kotetsu and I have been loyal.
[ Once, he had made the mistake of not operating to Dagger's standards. Due to that, he had nearly lost his life. A harsh lesson, and one that he had carried with him ever since that day his life support had been shut off. Barnaby doesn't intend to make the same mistakes again. It upsets him to realise that it bothers him when people doubt him. He has never wavered; he has always been sure of his convictions, has followed through on the same path no matter what.
He sees no reason why it should be different this time. Other people do, and he doesn't quite understand. Not under these circumstances. ]
I don't need to convince myself. That isn't the problem.
[ It's everyone else. Barnaby knows that he can harbour these feelings and it won't change anything. Technically that is already true. He's felt this way for longer than he cares to admit. But when he feels as though he can admit it, perhaps start to accept it - all of a sudden he's regressing due to this confrontation. That's what the problem is. ]
[ Sturmhond lifts his shoulders. He's watching Barnaby closely. For what, he's not sure, but mostly he's gauging his reactions and judging what he sees. This is a different side to his friend. It's odd to Sturmhond that Barnaby would be more concerned about what others think than what he knows to be true.
Perhaps he's not so confident as he seems. Perhaps they've led him to doubt himself. ]
What is the problem, then? If you know full well you've been loyal, and will continue to be, why does it matter to you that others doubt? Their doubts make you no less capable, however unexpected they may have been.
I have never let the doubt of others slow me down before. At home, despite my position, it was common for people not to trust me.
[ It feels different when it's a matter of the heart. Barnaby won't say that it doesn't bother him, because that would be a lie. But being able to talk about it and organise his feelings on the subject makes it so much easier. Some of the tension is slowly starting to leave him, though the relief hasn't set in yet. ]
It matters, whether or not it should, because I consider some of them to be my friends. I don't expect their support... [ But, it wouldn't hurt either. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
i would never complain
May I come and see you?
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FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
Provided you weren't looking for anywhere quiet. I'm at the edge of camp, away from the rovers. Follow your signal tracker. I needed some space.
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The quiet doesn't bother me. Will we be uninterrupted, at least?
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I would imagine so.
[ He won't actually be hard to find. Just follow the dulcet tones of the tiny explosions he's generating, and you'll come across him sooner or later. ]
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I'll be there shortly.
[ You're blowing things up without him? On any other day Barnaby might be offended, but he's more troubled than he has been in some time and too preoccupied to notice. He'd tried to encourage Justice to stay behind with Galahad, but she'd scratched him every time he'd tried to tell her no. In the end she was following along beside him as he went to seek out Sturmhond, keeping close to his heels.
When he finally gets there, Sturmhond will be likely to notice how tired Barnaby looks. He hasn't managed to sleep since Dagger's announcement despite his best efforts; in the end he'd given up, laid awake and stared at the ceiling for a while, before contacting the only person who he thought might understand. After seeing what he's up to, there's a small quirk of his lips. It all makes sense now. ]
Now I understand why you wanted some space. Are you sure I'm not interrupting?
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They flare slightly when Barnaby comes close. Korol gets up, nosing his way over to Justice, while Sturmhond looks up. He's wearing his face mask, from Ajna. Lifting it, he shows a smile, which fades when he takes in Barnaby's appearance. ]
You're not interrupting. Sit, and try not to touch anything that looks flammable. [ Which is most of what's laid out in front of them, actually. ]
What's the matter? You look terrible, Barnaby. [ And he means that in the best possible way. ]
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For a long time, Barnaby stares at his hands. Sturmhond might almost begin to think that his friend didn’t hear him, but eventually he manages to speak without any further prompting. When he does his voice is quiet, his tone wavering despite knowing that what he’s going to say, he’s saying with absolute certainty. ]
You were right. About Kotetsu and I.
[ Or should he say that Sturmhond was right about Barnaby himself? ]
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Sturmhond sets down his tools and waits, not prompting Barnaby through his silence. He'll let him talk when he's ready.
When he does, finally, Sturmhond lifts his eyebrows. He's not sure what brought this on, or why it would be lying so heavily on his friend. They'd talked about Barnaby's feelings for Kotetsu before, and he'd seemed certain of the way forward. Why this unhappiness now?
He leans back a little, shrugging, and gesturing with one hand. ]
Well, yes, naturally. I expected as much.
What in particular was I right about this time?
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They have spoken about it before, but it wasn’t like this last time. There is a subtle, but important, difference regarding how things once were and how they are now. To him, it couldn’t get much worse than this. The timing is wrong, the feelings are wrong— ]
It isn’t that I simply care for him.
[ Anyone could see that he did. But Sturmhond was one of the few people who was able to pick up on the smaller hints, the nuances of their relationship. Even the most one-sided ones. This time, it’s gone beyond even that. When he finally finishes the thought, his tone is so quiet it’s difficult to hear. ]
I've fallen for him.
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This, however, is an indication of much more, and it halts his smile. He stays quiet for a beat, waiting for Barnaby to go on. To clarify.
He doesn't, and then Sturmhond leans forward, a little frown line appearing between his eyes. ]
What. You mean you've fallen in love with him?
[ Another little pause, while sharp hazel eyes try to read Barnaby's face. ]
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All of a sudden, the words won’t come. Nor does he give any kind of physical reaction. The only tell is his expression, and a flicker of hurt appears ever so briefly before he stands, accidentally disrupting Justice in the process. ]
Do you think that I don't already know the risks? Besides that, I didn't choose this. I wouldn't have. And I don't need to be told that this is a terrible decision.
[ Now anger is taking hold, the feelings he has been suppressing bubbling up to consume him. No longer can he hold anything back, for better or for worse. ]
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I didn’t say it was a terrible decision.
[ Just to clear that one up. He reaches to touch Korol, and the bahari needs no more instruction than that. He stands, and paws over to Justice. Crouching, he nudges his nose at her. She’d fallen. Is she okay?
Sturmhond still watches Barnaby, his head tilting slightly to the side. ]
Why are you angry? I thought you wanted to talk. I don’t think that anyone chooses who they fall in love with, though if I may say, you could do much worse than Kotetsu.
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Why are you angry? It's a good question. Barnaby isn't angry at Sturmhond - in fact, he will in hindsight become embarrassed that he has lost his cool in such a way. It's the end result of months of stress, months of trying to ignore this. To let it go, in the hopes that his feelings will be irrelevant in the end. Being forced to confront it wasn't what he had hoped for.
In the end it probably isn't a bad thing, but it won't be pretty either. ]
He has a wife. In addition, we couldn't be in a worse position for something of this nature. It isn't about Kotetsu himself.
[ What's making him so angry isn't even that Kotetsu doesn't, and will never, return his feelings. But falling for him at a time such as this couldn't be worse. Thankfully, his tone is starting to return to normal, the only hint of his previous outburst being that his fists are clenched, his nails digging into his palms. ]
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Beside them Korol has settled beside Justice and has draped his tail over her back. ]
He had a wife, Barnaby. [ Sturmhond says that very gently. ] Had a wife.
I don't doubt that he loved her, but people must move on, in life. I have seen how attached he is to you.
Why cannot you even entertain the idea that there might be more behind that?
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When Barnaby imagines himself standing in front of this door, it remains shut. Whether or not it's locked, he doesn't know, but that uncertainty stops him from reaching out to try the handle.
No matter what signs that he imagines he sees, it could all be for nothing in the end. It isn't that he doesn't trust Sturmhond's judgement, but that without being able to see it himself, Barnaby is afraid that what he wants is interfering with reality. ]
We're partners. He cares for me as a friend. The mere suggestion that there could be something more garners nothing more than an uncomfortable reaction from him and a denial. That speaks for itself.
[ They have no future. Not like that. Barnaby instead wants to focus on the future with Kotetsu that he can achieve. ]
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But in truth, it's Barnaby's current mood that has him worried, and he feels the need to try and settle it. ]
You do not know that. Not everyone finds it easy to accept something that's new. It has taken you long enough.
What is it that worries you so much, Barnaby? Why did you say this was a terrible idea? Is it solely because you fear he would say no?
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[ There are many reasons why this is a terrible idea. That one is the largest. However, there are still other troubles weighing on his mind. It is but one issue of a thousand. If he decided to talk about them, and even then he isn't sure of that, it would take all day and all night. Instead he sorts through his thoughts, weighs them up, and then tentatively bring up one of the main issues.
Quietly, hesitantly, he presses onwards. ]
I have been told that such feelings are a weakness. Sometimes, I am not sure that they are wrong in saying that. Especially in this kind of business.
no subject
All feelings are a weakness.
[ Even when they're also useful. There's a reason he obeys his head instead of his heart. Emotions run without any sense of logic, and by definition, they do not always do the sensible thing. Of course they're a weakness. ]
You're human, Barnaby. You feel, and those feelings may serve to compromise you. That is an unfortunate fact of life, and not solely when someone is in love. I would contend that you are attached to him already. You would die for him. I know you would. That man holds your life in his hands.
Just as you hold his in yours. It goes both ways, and thus far, you have been a strength to him. It's always you who catches him when he falls. Literally, and figuratively.
[ He folds his arms, leaning back to regard Barnaby's face. ]
You're afraid he'll fall too far, and pull you with him. Is that it?
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Thus far, you have been a strength to him. Not long ago Barnaby had referred to Kotetsu in those words to Gliese, and she hadn’t believed him. She had challenged him on the concept, and he still believed it to be as true as when he’d uttered those words to her. It always had been. Together, they were much stronger than if they were apart. ]
You are right, in that I don’t think these feelings all of a sudden make me a liability. He and I have had an unbreakable bond far before this; that isn’t to say that I am not at risk for those feelings eventually compromising me, but I have yet to meet someone who can completely discard every emotion.
[ Perhaps those kinds of people did exist. But even within the CDC, he had yet to find anyone who specifically fitted that description. ]
He and I have died together already, once. [ It’s said quietly, because the reminder is not an easy one. But Barnaby does not regret what occurred that day. ] I have no doubt that it would happen a second time, if it became necessary. I am not afraid of falling. However, I do not think now that he would seek it out intentionally.
[ Once upon a time, he might have. Now it is different. ]
But I can still lose him in other ways.
no subject
What's also true is that everyone has weaknesses. It can help to know them for oneself, since it allows more of a guard against them. It's clearly upset Barnaby at a very deep level, however.
Sturmhond nods at the indication that they've died already, once. He otherwise doesn't react, which is a decent sign of how tightly he's reigning in his own feelings during this discussion. ]
What you do is your own decision. Telling him would be a risk. It would always be a risk, but sometimes these are risks worth taking. You're the only one who can decide.
But if you love him already, then already you are weak to him. He doesn't have to reciprocate for that to be so.
no subject
Neither of them want to do something that will jeopardise the other. It's held true for the near year that they've spent enlisted, and he doesn't think that it will change. Just because there's an additional (admittedly complicated) layer there now doesn't mean that anything has to change. Perhaps that's what has Barnaby so worried, and in parts so frustrated too. Usually other people's perceptions don't worry him. But they're weighing on him now. ]
If we consider it in that context, he has been a weakness for me for some time. But despite these feelings, I believe that acknowledging it gives me room to prevent the issues that could arise from it.
After all, there is too much at stake here for all of us. My feelings will hardly enable me to change my core perceptions about how the CDC operates and my role within it. I have a duty to my world, and those from it. Including him.
[ It's true that he would do anything to keep Kotetsu safe. But right now, he believes the best way to do that is to listen to the CDC and what's being asked of them. Neither of them are so reckless that they would throw it all away, unless their task became too difficult to bear. Despite the difficulties that his partner is having with it, Barnaby doesn't think the time for that will come any time soon.
Maybe it will, some day. But he sees no reason to actively concern himself with it yet. If anything, it should be a thought he tucks into the back of his mind. ]
no subject
Yes, you do. I don't believe that you would let your feelings come between you, and the rest of your world. If that is what others doubt, then I think they're wrong.
My question is why it bothers you so much. If you know this about yourself already, why are we having this conversation? Why did it make you so angry?
[ Or is it the case that Barnaby doubts himself more than he'll admit? It's possible. ]
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[ Once, he had made the mistake of not operating to Dagger's standards. Due to that, he had nearly lost his life. A harsh lesson, and one that he had carried with him ever since that day his life support had been shut off. Barnaby doesn't intend to make the same mistakes again. It upsets him to realise that it bothers him when people doubt him. He has never wavered; he has always been sure of his convictions, has followed through on the same path no matter what.
He sees no reason why it should be different this time. Other people do, and he doesn't quite understand. Not under these circumstances. ]
I don't need to convince myself. That isn't the problem.
[ It's everyone else. Barnaby knows that he can harbour these feelings and it won't change anything. Technically that is already true. He's felt this way for longer than he cares to admit. But when he feels as though he can admit it, perhaps start to accept it - all of a sudden he's regressing due to this confrontation. That's what the problem is. ]
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[ Sturmhond lifts his shoulders. He's watching Barnaby closely. For what, he's not sure, but mostly he's gauging his reactions and judging what he sees. This is a different side to his friend. It's odd to Sturmhond that Barnaby would be more concerned about what others think than what he knows to be true.
Perhaps he's not so confident as he seems. Perhaps they've led him to doubt himself. ]
What is the problem, then? If you know full well you've been loyal, and will continue to be, why does it matter to you that others doubt? Their doubts make you no less capable, however unexpected they may have been.
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[ It feels different when it's a matter of the heart. Barnaby won't say that it doesn't bother him, because that would be a lie. But being able to talk about it and organise his feelings on the subject makes it so much easier. Some of the tension is slowly starting to leave him, though the relief hasn't set in yet. ]
It matters, whether or not it should, because I consider some of them to be my friends. I don't expect their support... [ But, it wouldn't hurt either. ]
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