Because that doubt has been vocalised, that someone believes myself or Kotetsu would jeopardise the safety of our worlds and go against the CDC. We have no such intentions. Ever since the very beginning, Kotetsu and I have been loyal.
[ Once, he had made the mistake of not operating to Dagger's standards. Due to that, he had nearly lost his life. A harsh lesson, and one that he had carried with him ever since that day his life support had been shut off. Barnaby doesn't intend to make the same mistakes again. It upsets him to realise that it bothers him when people doubt him. He has never wavered; he has always been sure of his convictions, has followed through on the same path no matter what.
He sees no reason why it should be different this time. Other people do, and he doesn't quite understand. Not under these circumstances. ]
I don't need to convince myself. That isn't the problem.
[ It's everyone else. Barnaby knows that he can harbour these feelings and it won't change anything. Technically that is already true. He's felt this way for longer than he cares to admit. But when he feels as though he can admit it, perhaps start to accept it - all of a sudden he's regressing due to this confrontation. That's what the problem is. ]
[ Sturmhond lifts his shoulders. He's watching Barnaby closely. For what, he's not sure, but mostly he's gauging his reactions and judging what he sees. This is a different side to his friend. It's odd to Sturmhond that Barnaby would be more concerned about what others think than what he knows to be true.
Perhaps he's not so confident as he seems. Perhaps they've led him to doubt himself. ]
What is the problem, then? If you know full well you've been loyal, and will continue to be, why does it matter to you that others doubt? Their doubts make you no less capable, however unexpected they may have been.
I have never let the doubt of others slow me down before. At home, despite my position, it was common for people not to trust me.
[ It feels different when it's a matter of the heart. Barnaby won't say that it doesn't bother him, because that would be a lie. But being able to talk about it and organise his feelings on the subject makes it so much easier. Some of the tension is slowly starting to leave him, though the relief hasn't set in yet. ]
It matters, whether or not it should, because I consider some of them to be my friends. I don't expect their support... [ But, it wouldn't hurt either. ]
[ Sturmhond can't exactly speak for them, of course. But he genuinely believes this to be the case. He can't imagine that Barnaby's friends would have turned against him, though he can see why they might worry if they perceive that he has a weakness. They would be worried he might get himself hurt. ]
They're concerned for you. Show them that their concerns are misplaced. That's the real issue here. Their fears will come to nothing, so long as you keep your resolve. The only reason you would have to worry about what they say, my friend, is if there's some part of you that imagines they're right.
[ So at this, he looks at him, raising an eyebrow. ]
[ There is no doubt in his mind, or in his tone, when he says that. In fact, he feels very strongly about this. Barnaby thinks that it doesn’t make him a liability, simply because he has always been attached to his partner even if it hasn’t been in this specific way. They’ve been close since they became partners years ago, and he doesn’t anticipate that changing.
Nothing that the CDC could force them into would change that. Kotetsu had walked away from him once before, but he’d come back to Barnaby in the end. Considering the lessons that the two of them learned at the time, he doesn’t anticipate it ever being any other way. ]
I simply don’t understand why I should have to prove myself again when I have done so before now. Our dynamic isn’t changing. He and I have always been close. So why is there suddenly such scrutiny when there was little before?
[ Or was there, and people simply hadn’t made their misgivings known before then. ]
People will scrutinise. They think it's their business to.
[ Sturmhond lifts a shoulder, while a little smile plays over his face. Barnaby is one of the few he can be candid with here, so he'll take that opportunity. ]
It comes with popularity. My relationships would be discussed and speculated upon right across Ravka. Everyone has an opinion. You were famous in your own world, Barnaby. I would have thought you'd be used to that.
[ But maybe the difference is that the speculation is coming from friends instead of strangers. Perhaps that's why it bothers him so much. To Sturmhond it would not, because the truth is, he wouldn't remotely care about what anyone else thought anyway. They can think what they want; it's only ever relevant to him when he needs to use their assumptions and opinions for some other end. ]
Why do you feel the need to prove yourself at all? Let them talk. All they'll be is wrong, and that's their own concern - not yours.
There is something of a difference between senseless gossip and someone directly questioning your choices. Especially when it regards someone that you care for. I'm used to being in the public eye; I have a thick enough skin. But most people at home talked about Kotetsu and I in regards to our partnership only. The gossip of the day tended to be about me and mystery women.
[ Which never had any basis in fact, as it turned out. Barnaby had never dealt with any scrutiny outside of that regarding others in his life, because he had never had anyone important enough for them to talk about in regards to him. Even when Kotetsu had come along people didn’t think anything of it. They hadn’t seriously thought that Barnaby would care enough about him for him to even show up on his radar.
How wrong they were. ]
I need to prove myself because I am a unit lead. I have a responsibility to my team. Not only that, but I feel I have a responsibility to my friends. I would not turn my back on this crew under any circumstances.
[ He doesn't need to be told that. He has faith in Barnaby's loyalty, and in his capabilities as a leader. Sturmhond has never needed reassurance on that front, and he's honestly surprised that anyone else would. ]
Your friends are concerned for you. That's all it is. You have to expect that when there are people who care for you. It does not mean that they trust you less.
But when it comes to your choices, Barnaby, the only one who needs to be sure you're acting properly is yourself. You are the one who has to live with what you choose to do. You will do what is best, and what is right. I wholly believe that, and so should you, my friend.
[ Whether Sturmhond realises it or not, his words are having a deep effect on his friend. Slowly he’s beginning to unwind, some of the tension leaving him. Not all of it will, not now or even in the near future; unbeknownst to him, it will take some time for all of this to be resolved. But Barnaby finds that he’s simply glad for the reprieve, no matter how brief.
It isn’t reassurance that Barnaby was seeking, so much as another perspective. Having someone to help ground him and give him honest feedback has helped him to understand where he needs to go from here. The path ahead isn’t going to be easy, by any means, but it’s still manageable. ]
Usually I have no problems with seeing that. Unfortunately, it’s been a more difficult path than I had anticipated as of late. I never expected it to come to this.
[ By looking at the two of them and the relationship they shared, most people would never guess that. Sturmhond knows it to be more complicated than it appears; he is the only one Barnaby feels he can be honest with about this at present. ]
But my other responsibilities is precisely why I cannot afford to let this stop me. I must continue on, the same as always. Nothing will change in the end.
[ To most people, such a declaration would sound like a denial. To Barnaby, it’s an unfortunate truth. ]
[ At this, Sturmhond lifts his shoulder in a nonchalant shrug. He smiles at Barnaby. He doesn't agree with this part, but he knows his friend is stubborn, and believes he will see Kotetsu's heart as an immovable object until he has proof that it is otherwise.
Only Kotetsu will be able to convince him of that. No one else. ]
Change will happen. Often, it comes even when it's not welcome. You're always better being prepared for that.
The point is, you know what you have to do. Don't let anyone tell you that you are weak. There's no one here who lacks any form of weakness. If there were, they would not need a program like the Bkack Box, to help us through it.
[ Being aware of his weaknesses is why Barnaby tends to do so well in life, he thinks. Ignoring them won't make them go away. But if he works on them, genuinely tries to improve himself, he thinks he's on the right track. Over his time with the CDC, it's also been a constant reminder that the instructors hold them to much higher standards than they do themselves sometimes.
This is a slightly different issue. One that he isn't entirely sure how to approach, but he'll manage all the same. He always does. And Barnaby isn't alone this time. ]
I do, yes. It may not be the easiest path, but I refuse to allow myself to falter now. The instructors may be willing to help guide us in what they believe to be the right direction, but how long it will last before they expect us to be ready is uncertain. I don't want to be unprepared when that time comes.
That depends on what you mean you must be ready to do.
[ Which is the real question here, he supposes. What is it Barnaby thinks will be asked of him? To leave Kotetsu's side? To go against him, even to fight him?
If so, Sturmhond can't help but think that Kotetsu would be the one to be tested first. Barnaby's actions are only being questioned because he values his partner so dearly. If Kotetsu does not trip, in other words, Barnaby will never need to catch him. ]
What is it you think will be asked of you, my friend, and why do you think it? Would your first port of call not be ensuring that Kotetsu does not put you in that position?
After Sector R, I've thought about it many times. During that expedition, there were too many things that were odd. I don't think that the current structure will stay the way that it is forever. Whether or not it changes, I still have a responsibility to fulfil.
I honestly don't think that Kotetsu will ever put me in a position where I have to choose between him and the crew. It is my belief that his interests align with it. He wishes to protect Sternbild, but whether or not he has it in him to do that depends on what happens to us next.
[ Barnaby might have to be prepared to do just about anything, in the end. To kill Kotetsu, to die with Kotetsu, or to make another difficult choice regarding the CDC. Neither of the first two are ones that he wants to entertain. But that could happen, or something else could. There's no way to know. He can only seek to prepare himself for any eventuality that may crop up. ]
You have to trust your partner. You must do everything in your power to protect your world, Barnaby. Nothing is more important than that, and I believe you know it. Help him to keep his perspective, and then trust him to do that. If he cares as much as you do, he’ll find a way.
[ Providing he has the right motivation. But doubtless, Barnaby will be able to give him that. ]
I do trust him. I trust him more than I trust myself.
[ To most people, that might be a terrifying realisation. To Barnaby, it doesn't bother him very much. It's a fact of life. Kotetsu was the one who opened his eyes to the outside world and who gave him a purpose in life again. He knows that it could paint a target on his back, but he's lived his life more cautiously than that. He doesn't intend to make it that easy. ]
He does care. Perhaps too much. But that is why I intend to stick by his side and see all of this through with him. We will find a way together, and I'm sure that we aren't the only ones working towards the same goal.
[ Sturmhond nods. If there's anyone he would accept such a guarantee from, it's Barnaby. Any doubts he may have are left unsaid. Barnaby needs to believe in a lack of complication, right now. He needs to believe that what he is saying is possible. ]
Then hold to that, Barnaby.
Just be certain that the goal you're working towards is the right one. Influence him. Not the other way around.
[ There's no need to repeat the same thing over and over again, when Sturmhond would have already made his mind up regarding whether or not Barnaby is capable. Instead, there's something slightly more pressing that he feels he needs to address. ]
In any case, I apologise. I'm sure that I've taken up enough of your time with my troubles. I should leave you to your work.
[ Sturmhond shakes his head. Building the bombs isn’t a mission; he’ll make as many as he can with the time he has, and then be unconcerned about the rest. ]
Don’t be so formal. You can join me, if you like. Some relaxation might do you good.
[ Relaxing, by building bombs. Sturmhond does things his own way. ]
I've known nobility less formal than you, you know.
[ But he'd not swap any of them for Barnaby. He nods, gesturing to encourage his friend to sit. Maybe he can take his mind off these worries for a while. ]
I'm not sure if that's an insult, or a compliment.
[ Even if it's the former, Barnaby doesn't seem to be taking any offence to it. Instead he makes himself comfortable close by his friend, more than happy to have the opportunity to keep his mind off his troubles for a while.
Besides, who doesn't get excited about making explosives? ]
[ In fairness, touching it should be fine so long as you don't think to light it on fire. ]
Sulphur, and potassium salts. They shouldn't react unless they're triggered.
Honestly, if I'd known I would be doing all of this, I would have ordered a good deal more sugar from the shopping channel. Lessons for next time.
[ He looks up at Barnaby, smiling. ]
What I really need is a substitute for charcoal. Or a way to make charcoal, quickly. So far the closest I've come is collecting ash, from burning wood.
[ Considering that he doesn't have a habit of accidentally setting things on fire, in theory he should be fine. Still, Barnaby is a cautious man... ]
I don't suppose that you can borrow a mage to drag around, can you?
[ Ha, ha. Jokes aside, the conundrum is something that Barnaby takes seriously. He thinks about it for a moment, though in the end he doesn't have that many more ideas for how to proceed either. ]
That may be the best option that you've got, for the moment. The only suggestion I can make is more hands on deck, if the amount is the problem.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Once, he had made the mistake of not operating to Dagger's standards. Due to that, he had nearly lost his life. A harsh lesson, and one that he had carried with him ever since that day his life support had been shut off. Barnaby doesn't intend to make the same mistakes again. It upsets him to realise that it bothers him when people doubt him. He has never wavered; he has always been sure of his convictions, has followed through on the same path no matter what.
He sees no reason why it should be different this time. Other people do, and he doesn't quite understand. Not under these circumstances. ]
I don't need to convince myself. That isn't the problem.
[ It's everyone else. Barnaby knows that he can harbour these feelings and it won't change anything. Technically that is already true. He's felt this way for longer than he cares to admit. But when he feels as though he can admit it, perhaps start to accept it - all of a sudden he's regressing due to this confrontation. That's what the problem is. ]
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[ Sturmhond lifts his shoulders. He's watching Barnaby closely. For what, he's not sure, but mostly he's gauging his reactions and judging what he sees. This is a different side to his friend. It's odd to Sturmhond that Barnaby would be more concerned about what others think than what he knows to be true.
Perhaps he's not so confident as he seems. Perhaps they've led him to doubt himself. ]
What is the problem, then? If you know full well you've been loyal, and will continue to be, why does it matter to you that others doubt? Their doubts make you no less capable, however unexpected they may have been.
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[ It feels different when it's a matter of the heart. Barnaby won't say that it doesn't bother him, because that would be a lie. But being able to talk about it and organise his feelings on the subject makes it so much easier. Some of the tension is slowly starting to leave him, though the relief hasn't set in yet. ]
It matters, whether or not it should, because I consider some of them to be my friends. I don't expect their support... [ But, it wouldn't hurt either. ]
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[ Sturmhond can't exactly speak for them, of course. But he genuinely believes this to be the case. He can't imagine that Barnaby's friends would have turned against him, though he can see why they might worry if they perceive that he has a weakness. They would be worried he might get himself hurt. ]
They're concerned for you. Show them that their concerns are misplaced. That's the real issue here. Their fears will come to nothing, so long as you keep your resolve. The only reason you would have to worry about what they say, my friend, is if there's some part of you that imagines they're right.
[ So at this, he looks at him, raising an eyebrow. ]
Is there?
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[ There is no doubt in his mind, or in his tone, when he says that. In fact, he feels very strongly about this. Barnaby thinks that it doesn’t make him a liability, simply because he has always been attached to his partner even if it hasn’t been in this specific way. They’ve been close since they became partners years ago, and he doesn’t anticipate that changing.
Nothing that the CDC could force them into would change that. Kotetsu had walked away from him once before, but he’d come back to Barnaby in the end. Considering the lessons that the two of them learned at the time, he doesn’t anticipate it ever being any other way. ]
I simply don’t understand why I should have to prove myself again when I have done so before now. Our dynamic isn’t changing. He and I have always been close. So why is there suddenly such scrutiny when there was little before?
[ Or was there, and people simply hadn’t made their misgivings known before then. ]
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[ Sturmhond lifts a shoulder, while a little smile plays over his face. Barnaby is one of the few he can be candid with here, so he'll take that opportunity. ]
It comes with popularity. My relationships would be discussed and speculated upon right across Ravka. Everyone has an opinion. You were famous in your own world, Barnaby. I would have thought you'd be used to that.
[ But maybe the difference is that the speculation is coming from friends instead of strangers. Perhaps that's why it bothers him so much. To Sturmhond it would not, because the truth is, he wouldn't remotely care about what anyone else thought anyway. They can think what they want; it's only ever relevant to him when he needs to use their assumptions and opinions for some other end. ]
Why do you feel the need to prove yourself at all? Let them talk. All they'll be is wrong, and that's their own concern - not yours.
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[ Which never had any basis in fact, as it turned out. Barnaby had never dealt with any scrutiny outside of that regarding others in his life, because he had never had anyone important enough for them to talk about in regards to him. Even when Kotetsu had come along people didn’t think anything of it. They hadn’t seriously thought that Barnaby would care enough about him for him to even show up on his radar.
How wrong they were. ]
I need to prove myself because I am a unit lead. I have a responsibility to my team. Not only that, but I feel I have a responsibility to my friends. I would not turn my back on this crew under any circumstances.
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[ He doesn't need to be told that. He has faith in Barnaby's loyalty, and in his capabilities as a leader. Sturmhond has never needed reassurance on that front, and he's honestly surprised that anyone else would. ]
Your friends are concerned for you. That's all it is. You have to expect that when there are people who care for you. It does not mean that they trust you less.
But when it comes to your choices, Barnaby, the only one who needs to be sure you're acting properly is yourself. You are the one who has to live with what you choose to do. You will do what is best, and what is right. I wholly believe that, and so should you, my friend.
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It isn’t reassurance that Barnaby was seeking, so much as another perspective. Having someone to help ground him and give him honest feedback has helped him to understand where he needs to go from here. The path ahead isn’t going to be easy, by any means, but it’s still manageable. ]
Usually I have no problems with seeing that. Unfortunately, it’s been a more difficult path than I had anticipated as of late. I never expected it to come to this.
[ By looking at the two of them and the relationship they shared, most people would never guess that. Sturmhond knows it to be more complicated than it appears; he is the only one Barnaby feels he can be honest with about this at present. ]
But my other responsibilities is precisely why I cannot afford to let this stop me. I must continue on, the same as always. Nothing will change in the end.
[ To most people, such a declaration would sound like a denial. To Barnaby, it’s an unfortunate truth. ]
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Only Kotetsu will be able to convince him of that. No one else. ]
Change will happen. Often, it comes even when it's not welcome. You're always better being prepared for that.
The point is, you know what you have to do. Don't let anyone tell you that you are weak. There's no one here who lacks any form of weakness. If there were, they would not need a program like the Bkack Box, to help us through it.
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This is a slightly different issue. One that he isn't entirely sure how to approach, but he'll manage all the same. He always does. And Barnaby isn't alone this time. ]
I do, yes. It may not be the easiest path, but I refuse to allow myself to falter now. The instructors may be willing to help guide us in what they believe to be the right direction, but how long it will last before they expect us to be ready is uncertain. I don't want to be unprepared when that time comes.
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[ Which is the real question here, he supposes. What is it Barnaby thinks will be asked of him? To leave Kotetsu's side? To go against him, even to fight him?
If so, Sturmhond can't help but think that Kotetsu would be the one to be tested first. Barnaby's actions are only being questioned because he values his partner so dearly. If Kotetsu does not trip, in other words, Barnaby will never need to catch him. ]
What is it you think will be asked of you, my friend, and why do you think it? Would your first port of call not be ensuring that Kotetsu does not put you in that position?
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I honestly don't think that Kotetsu will ever put me in a position where I have to choose between him and the crew. It is my belief that his interests align with it. He wishes to protect Sternbild, but whether or not he has it in him to do that depends on what happens to us next.
[ Barnaby might have to be prepared to do just about anything, in the end. To kill Kotetsu, to die with Kotetsu, or to make another difficult choice regarding the CDC. Neither of the first two are ones that he wants to entertain. But that could happen, or something else could. There's no way to know. He can only seek to prepare himself for any eventuality that may crop up. ]
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[ He looks at Barnaby, a hand outstretched. ]
You have to trust your partner. You must do everything in your power to protect your world, Barnaby. Nothing is more important than that, and I believe you know it. Help him to keep his perspective, and then trust him to do that. If he cares as much as you do, he’ll find a way.
[ Providing he has the right motivation. But doubtless, Barnaby will be able to give him that. ]
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[ To most people, that might be a terrifying realisation. To Barnaby, it doesn't bother him very much. It's a fact of life. Kotetsu was the one who opened his eyes to the outside world and who gave him a purpose in life again. He knows that it could paint a target on his back, but he's lived his life more cautiously than that. He doesn't intend to make it that easy. ]
He does care. Perhaps too much. But that is why I intend to stick by his side and see all of this through with him. We will find a way together, and I'm sure that we aren't the only ones working towards the same goal.
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Then hold to that, Barnaby.
Just be certain that the goal you're working towards is the right one. Influence him. Not the other way around.
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[ There's no need to repeat the same thing over and over again, when Sturmhond would have already made his mind up regarding whether or not Barnaby is capable. Instead, there's something slightly more pressing that he feels he needs to address. ]
In any case, I apologise. I'm sure that I've taken up enough of your time with my troubles. I should leave you to your work.
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Don’t be so formal. You can join me, if you like. Some relaxation might do you good.
[ Relaxing, by building bombs. Sturmhond does things his own way. ]
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[ Still, there is a small smile on Barnaby's face. ] I would like to stay with you, if it's truly alright.
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[ But he'd not swap any of them for Barnaby. He nods, gesturing to encourage his friend to sit. Maybe he can take his mind off these worries for a while. ]
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[ Even if it's the former, Barnaby doesn't seem to be taking any offence to it. Instead he makes himself comfortable close by his friend, more than happy to have the opportunity to keep his mind off his troubles for a while.
Besides, who doesn't get excited about making explosives? ]
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[ Especially given Sturmhond's opinion of the nobility.
Smiling, he holds out a tub of strangely coloured powder, to Barnaby. ]
I'm trying to make a substitute for gunpowder. Watch out - I suspect it's volatile.
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[ Of course Barnaby is joking. He appreciates the banter, no matter which way it was intended.
While Barnaby does lean over so that he can take a better look, he decides it would be better not to touch it. ]
What is it made out of?
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Sulphur, and potassium salts. They shouldn't react unless they're triggered.
Honestly, if I'd known I would be doing all of this, I would have ordered a good deal more sugar from the shopping channel. Lessons for next time.
[ He looks up at Barnaby, smiling. ]
What I really need is a substitute for charcoal. Or a way to make charcoal, quickly. So far the closest I've come is collecting ash, from burning wood.
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I don't suppose that you can borrow a mage to drag around, can you?
[ Ha, ha. Jokes aside, the conundrum is something that Barnaby takes seriously. He thinks about it for a moment, though in the end he doesn't have that many more ideas for how to proceed either. ]
That may be the best option that you've got, for the moment. The only suggestion I can make is more hands on deck, if the amount is the problem.
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