[ He doesn't answer. A few minutes later, though, he knocks at her rover door. He hadn't needed to ask which one it was. Korol, his now fully grown bahari, is by his side. He'd never lose the opportunity for a walk. ]
[ Well, that's good because Clary doesn't want to stay in her rover. Her face is pinched when she answers the door, her thick, heavy coat covering every inch of her. At least it's cold out. She won't have to explain the sudden thickening of the runes on her arms and chest, her neck. ]
Do you want to walk around? [ Lifting one eyebrow and letting Korol sniff at her fingers. ] I don't know how this spy stuff works but my rover's kind of ... cramped.
[ BY OFTEN SHIRTLESS MEN. She wouldn't want you to feel bad. ]
[ She looks at him for a moment before taking the offered arm and throwing a smile to Korol. ]
I mean now you've said it, I can't deny him, can I? You should spell it out. Like this h - u - n - t. Then he won't know or expect it. Or that's what they do to dogs on the TV. Maybe space dragon cats can spell.
[ They walk and she feels a little better, breathing in cold hair and letting it fill her lungs.] So ...
My dogs liked hunting just as much. That was in fact why I raised them. Korol's doing his best to fill the role.
[ Korol glances around at Clary, before making another little huff and walking on. Generally, the only person holding Sturmhond's arm is Alina, and it's odd to see another person there. He doesn't know her well, but he's evidently decided she's not a threat.
Sturmhond looks down at her, though. He's smiling, but there's a seriousness about his eyes. ]
I don't know if Ajna is a threat, Clary. But it's hardly the point. We aren't on some quest for justice or vengeance, here.
We're here because it's the job. Disliking that job is all well and good, but how far do you go with that? They don't take dissent very lightly, as you've already seen.
I'd get it if I'd woken up and went well today I think I'll become a mass murderer. Then signing up for this would have made sense. But they tricked me. [ She's aware she almost sounds like a child, the thread of upset in her voice not what she wants to project at all. ]
I didn't give them my resume. And if I did they would have totally realised I'm not what they're looking for. [ Part of her wonders if that's true. She does have a mean streak and judging by the state of her bloodline ... ]
[ He says it with a sigh. That's something he doesn't approve of. Not solely because it reminds him too much of drafting (though it does, and that idea doesn't thrill him anyway) but because it seems to him that that's asking for trouble. Recruiting people who aren't totally willing. Of course it leads to dissent. Of course it leads to the need to punish, and quell.
He doesn't like that. And he does like Clary, and doesn't want her to suffer from what basically amounts to the stupidity of her recruiter. ]
I know they lied, lovely, and I know it isn't fair. I also know you won't change any part of that by getting yourself in trouble here. You won't stop what they're doing. If Dagger wanted to kill any one of us, he would do it. Their own systems are the only things keeping us alive here. You must know that.
[ Her exhale is a stuttered ricochet at that. ] Considering he turned mine off? Yeah, I know that.
[ She doesn't remember how many iratzes it had taken to ease the pain a little, each rune burning up and fading fast. Her ... power, it had been useless and the pain she felt had been unlike anything she'd ever felt. Even the beating she'd taken from Valentine was nothing compared to that. ]
I guess I just didn't think I'd ever have to become the bad guy.
[ For just a second, there's a glitch in his calm. He almost pauses, almost misses a step, and then he keeps walking. There's a little line between his brows that wasn't there before.
He hadn't known that was the punishment. It's a good one. Poignant, and pointed.
But painful. His arm tightens on her hand just a little. ]
That's not what you are.
You see the point, don't you, Clary? He didn't need you to tell him how to kill any of us. He could do it by flicking a switch.
He didn't ask you to kill, he asked you to follow orders. That was the test. It was never about morality, because morality doesn't come into what they do here.
I never thought of it that way. [ She frowns at the snow and then watches Korol instead. Seeing something move with grace and strength and vitality makes her feel slightly better. ] It just seemed like that's where it was going. Find out how to kill, then do it.
If I didn't follow orders back home I just got grounded. [ Her heart twists painfully. She's got to hope she can get back. That she can get to her mom again. Otherwise what is surviving for? ] I guess this is just something I'm not used to. I'm not a soldier, Sturmhond.
[ Feeling her eyes, Korol peers imperiously back over his shoulder. His eyes are cool and reptilian, but intent. After a moment, he turns again and continues to lead.
Sturmhond brings his free hand up to rest it on top of hers. ]
No, you're not. [ Simple agreement. He's read her file. ]
You're a Shadowhunter. Born to kill demons, I believe. That's why you're on Red. The Greens are the soldiers.
[ Her inhale is sharp and there's a moment where she holds it in her lungs before she responds. ] I didn't even read your file.
[ She's not sure why. Since she was told about them it's sat at the back of her thoughts like a shadow. What did it say? She hadn't imagined it would ignore the idea of what she is, but what else could have been written? Did it spell out all of her faults in gory detail? Nobody has tried to burn her at the stake yet. She has to hope some things remain secret. ]
I'm not a very good one. [ Her feet stamp in the snow, a little more energy in it. The Brooklyn Strop, that's what it should be called. ] If they wanted a demon killer they got the wrong one.
I have a lot of secrets, lovely. But they're not in my file.
[ That much is true. The file tells people exactly what Sturmhond is, without remotely touching who he is. It tells them what matters, no more and no less, and what matters here is that he's an experienced, some would say infamous, privateer.
It would appear that what matters for Clary is that she's a Shadowhunter, whatever that exactly means. He pulls her to a halt, for a moment. Korol, hearing their footsteps pause, stops as well, and turns to watch expectantly. ]
Pretending to be ordinary doesn't help among people who know you're not. You are more than you appear. You're better than you're pretending. What do Shadowhunters do?
[ She tips her chin up to look at him. For a moment she doesn't say anything, just watches him. What do Shadowhunters do? They fight. That's what they live and breathe for. But it's so much more than that and she doesn't exactly know where to start. ]
They protect people. [ She curls her fingers into her coat sleeves where they rest like fists. ] They're ... protectors. They stop the bad things from hurting good people. They're -- [ She thinks of Jace and his mocking, carefree smile, Isabelle and her wicked eyes, Alec and his responsibility. Her shoulders drop. ]
Fuck, they're soldiers. All right? [ Throwing her hands up. ] Pretty much trained from birth soldiers. But I'm not. I've only known them for a few months. Maybe they meant to pick up someone else, because I can't do what they can.
And in the meantime, you can follow your orders, so that you have a hope f seeing them again.
[ His eyebrows lifts, and he glances out towards the snow. ]
Look at this world. You pity what we have to do here. Do you pity it more than you care for your own world? If you're a protector, how are you to protect your world when it's gone?
To save my world I have to destroy others. [ She says it with a hollow, humourless laugh. ] Because someone woke up one day and decided that hey, this planet should really be blown to pieces. No explanations, no reasons. Just do it, right?
[ Her frown deepens, mouth an unhappy slash against her pale face. ] Why can't I save both? [ Curling her arms around her chest. ] I should be able to save both.
[ Shaking her head then, a sharp jut of her chin. ] Korol's getting antsy.
What I think is right is punching Dagger in his stupid non-face. [ She lets him lead her and almost smiles at the way Korol gets up to return his journey. Really, they should have spelt it out because a space cat is making her feel bad that her emotions are getting in the way of the clearly important hunting. ]
It's not like I wanted to get my ass handed to me. [ She glances up at him for a moment then scuffs her CDC issue boot into the snow. Sneakers aren't exactly great for this terrain. ]
I guess I'm just scared. [ It's honest but her voice is level. ] What if I do what they say and I come out of this and I'm not me anymore? I know that's selfish. I'm protecting my home. But killing for a living, destroying something that's kind of beautiful. That's someone I never wanted to be.
[ It's not the same, he knows that. But he lifts an eyebrow at her all the same. If it's the violence she objects to, she can't put the blame for that entirely on the CDC. ]
Clary, I don't call it ideal. When so much is at stake you never is. There isn't always an easy choice between good and evil. Not every enemy you meet is the incarnation of darkness.
[ Ironic, actually. Since Sturmhond's enemy actually is. ]
Sometimes it's necessary to compromise. You have to harden yourself to things you don't like doing, in order to save the thing that's most important. We'd all like it if those complications didn't exist, but that's not how it is. Not in any world. Not for the CDC, and not for Shadowhunters. You'll see.
Maybe I just wish I knew who the enemy was. [ She shrugs her shoulder. ] I don't like not knowing.
[ There's so much of her future at stake here and she doesn't know who to fight, isn't sure what direction to turn in. It's hard enough knowing that all of this is inevitable anyway. He's right. She won't survive without giving in. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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FROM: sturmhond@cdc.org
Perhaps we should talk in person, instead. Do you mind if I call on you?
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FROM fray.clary@cdc.org
Yeah, sure.
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Do you want to walk around? [ Lifting one eyebrow and letting Korol sniff at her fingers. ] I don't know how this spy stuff works but my rover's kind of ... cramped.
[ BY OFTEN SHIRTLESS MEN. She wouldn't want you to feel bad. ]
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That's why I came. Not that I wouldn't like your hospitality, but it can be hard to find privacy inside those things.
I thought we might go into the trees, for a while. Let Korol hunt. He likes that.
[ Korol, recognising that word, makes a pleased little huffing sound, and trots out to walk in front of them. ]
Are you game?
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I mean now you've said it, I can't deny him, can I? You should spell it out. Like this h - u - n - t. Then he won't know or expect it. Or that's what they do to dogs on the TV. Maybe space dragon cats can spell.
[ They walk and she feels a little better, breathing in cold hair and letting it fill her lungs.] So ...
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[ Korol glances around at Clary, before making another little huff and walking on. Generally, the only person holding Sturmhond's arm is Alina, and it's odd to see another person there. He doesn't know her well, but he's evidently decided she's not a threat.
Sturmhond looks down at her, though. He's smiling, but there's a seriousness about his eyes. ]
I don't know if Ajna is a threat, Clary. But it's hardly the point. We aren't on some quest for justice or vengeance, here.
We're here because it's the job. Disliking that job is all well and good, but how far do you go with that? They don't take dissent very lightly, as you've already seen.
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I didn't give them my resume. And if I did they would have totally realised I'm not what they're looking for. [ Part of her wonders if that's true. She does have a mean streak and judging by the state of her bloodline ... ]
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[ He says it with a sigh. That's something he doesn't approve of. Not solely because it reminds him too much of drafting (though it does, and that idea doesn't thrill him anyway) but because it seems to him that that's asking for trouble. Recruiting people who aren't totally willing. Of course it leads to dissent. Of course it leads to the need to punish, and quell.
He doesn't like that. And he does like Clary, and doesn't want her to suffer from what basically amounts to the stupidity of her recruiter. ]
I know they lied, lovely, and I know it isn't fair. I also know you won't change any part of that by getting yourself in trouble here. You won't stop what they're doing. If Dagger wanted to kill any one of us, he would do it. Their own systems are the only things keeping us alive here. You must know that.
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[ She doesn't remember how many iratzes it had taken to ease the pain a little, each rune burning up and fading fast. Her ... power, it had been useless and the pain she felt had been unlike anything she'd ever felt. Even the beating she'd taken from Valentine was nothing compared to that. ]
I guess I just didn't think I'd ever have to become the bad guy.
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He hadn't known that was the punishment. It's a good one. Poignant, and pointed.
But painful. His arm tightens on her hand just a little. ]
That's not what you are.
You see the point, don't you, Clary? He didn't need you to tell him how to kill any of us. He could do it by flicking a switch.
He didn't ask you to kill, he asked you to follow orders. That was the test. It was never about morality, because morality doesn't come into what they do here.
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If I didn't follow orders back home I just got grounded. [ Her heart twists painfully. She's got to hope she can get back. That she can get to her mom again. Otherwise what is surviving for? ] I guess this is just something I'm not used to. I'm not a soldier, Sturmhond.
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Sturmhond brings his free hand up to rest it on top of hers. ]
No, you're not. [ Simple agreement. He's read her file. ]
You're a Shadowhunter. Born to kill demons, I believe. That's why you're on Red. The Greens are the soldiers.
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[ She's not sure why. Since she was told about them it's sat at the back of her thoughts like a shadow. What did it say? She hadn't imagined it would ignore the idea of what she is, but what else could have been written? Did it spell out all of her faults in gory detail? Nobody has tried to burn her at the stake yet. She has to hope some things remain secret. ]
I'm not a very good one. [ Her feet stamp in the snow, a little more energy in it. The Brooklyn Strop, that's what it should be called. ] If they wanted a demon killer they got the wrong one.
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[ That much is true. The file tells people exactly what Sturmhond is, without remotely touching who he is. It tells them what matters, no more and no less, and what matters here is that he's an experienced, some would say infamous, privateer.
It would appear that what matters for Clary is that she's a Shadowhunter, whatever that exactly means. He pulls her to a halt, for a moment. Korol, hearing their footsteps pause, stops as well, and turns to watch expectantly. ]
Pretending to be ordinary doesn't help among people who know you're not. You are more than you appear. You're better than you're pretending. What do Shadowhunters do?
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They protect people. [ She curls her fingers into her coat sleeves where they rest like fists. ] They're ... protectors. They stop the bad things from hurting good people. They're -- [ She thinks of Jace and his mocking, carefree smile, Isabelle and her wicked eyes, Alec and his responsibility. Her shoulders drop. ]
Fuck, they're soldiers. All right? [ Throwing her hands up. ] Pretty much trained from birth soldiers. But I'm not. I've only known them for a few months. Maybe they meant to pick up someone else, because I can't do what they can.
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And in the meantime, you can follow your orders, so that you have a hope f seeing them again.
[ His eyebrows lifts, and he glances out towards the snow. ]
Look at this world. You pity what we have to do here. Do you pity it more than you care for your own world? If you're a protector, how are you to protect your world when it's gone?
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[ Her frown deepens, mouth an unhappy slash against her pale face. ] Why can't I save both? [ Curling her arms around her chest. ] I should be able to save both.
[ Shaking her head then, a sharp jut of her chin. ] Korol's getting antsy.
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[ He glances at Korol. The bahari has sat down in the snow, watching them with an air of exaggerated patience.
Yes, all right. He gets the message. Gently, he tugs at Clary's hand again. ]
You must do what you think is right, Clary. I would rather not see you suffer when there is no need.
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I bet you think I'm an idiot.
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[ She'll gain it, in time. He thinks that much. She'll gain it on her own, or they'll force her like they did with Simon.
And despite not knowing what exactly that had been, he still doesn't want her to face it.
Korol stops, suddenly, and turns to look at him. He nods. ]
All right. Go. You can hunt.
[ The bahari leaps into the trees, disappearing from sight, and he looks at Clary again. ]
I don't want to see you harmed, Clary.
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I guess I'm just scared. [ It's honest but her voice is level. ] What if I do what they say and I come out of this and I'm not me anymore? I know that's selfish. I'm protecting my home. But killing for a living, destroying something that's kind of beautiful. That's someone I never wanted to be.
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[ It's not the same, he knows that. But he lifts an eyebrow at her all the same. If it's the violence she objects to, she can't put the blame for that entirely on the CDC. ]
Clary, I don't call it ideal. When so much is at stake you never is. There isn't always an easy choice between good and evil. Not every enemy you meet is the incarnation of darkness.
[ Ironic, actually. Since Sturmhond's enemy actually is. ]
Sometimes it's necessary to compromise. You have to harden yourself to things you don't like doing, in order to save the thing that's most important. We'd all like it if those complications didn't exist, but that's not how it is. Not in any world. Not for the CDC, and not for Shadowhunters. You'll see.
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[ There's so much of her future at stake here and she doesn't know who to fight, isn't sure what direction to turn in. It's hard enough knowing that all of this is inevitable anyway. He's right. She won't survive without giving in. ]
You sound used to crap like this. Are you?
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[ He lifts an eyebrow. Of course he's used to that. He rolls one shoulder in an approximation of a shrug. ]
A privateer learns to press any advantage, even when it's not to his liking. I've made difficult choices before.
It doesn't mean I'll enjoy them. But I'll make them. Yes.
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