[This is the look of someone who hadn't expected to be caught.
She freezes at the sound of the opening door, (still a bit too on edge, a bit jumpy since the mission, since the aftermath, so different than how she'd have handled it even just one mission prior), fingers tightening on the box in her arms with a few more tins inside. Making the rounds.
But the momentary surprise melts slowly in to something like sympathy, something like guilt, and she musters a smile, however tentative.]
[ That look is a very large part of the reason why he hasn't wanted to see anyone. He shakes his head, quickly dismissing her worry, and he throws the towel onto the bed. ]
I was in the other room. Did you make this?
[ He distracts himself from that look on her face by lifting the soup, which smells surprisingly inviting.
[Emotions are still too new, too overwhelming for her to have regained what little sense of control over them she'd once had- the reading of a mood to know when it was better to smile or not, to laugh or not. It was all too strange to have a handle on- so though she had trouble emoting positively, the negative showed a bit too clearly.
But answering questions... That was the easy part.]
I like cooking. It's chicken and leek soup- or... Shille and leek...
[It stood well enough for "yes", her gaze still that mix of guilt and sympathy both. A dash of "it should have been me" that went unsaid. She didn't think he'd want to hear it, even if she couldn't keep it off her face.]
[ He pauses for a moment, looking at her. Then he sets the tin back
down, shrugs his shoulders, and shakes his head. ]
You don’t owe me anything. And this wasn’t your fault, Havoc. You shouldn’t
be blaming yourself.
[ People do. She’d struggled enough with that mission as it was,
without dealing with the fallout afterwards. Ultimately, he would rather be
the one to take the pain than see it inflicted on others instead. He smiles
at her, an easy smile. ]
[But she stops herself immediately, bites in to her bottom lip. She couldn't even say that sort of thing, not when she'd desired so much to keep hold of that portion of humanity, back when she'd had it. Wanted it so bad that before signing a contract with the CDC, before losing the fight against becoming a Contractor once more, if had been the only thing she asked for.]
- I'm sorry.
[She wasn't sure what was. It was easier to focus on the soup.]
[ He shakes his head. She can't think that way. For all that he knows that her emotions had given her problems in the field, she hadn't been punished for them. She shouldn't blame herself. ]
Havoc, if they thought you had done anything wrong, it would have been your name on that list. This was not your fault.
[ He paused, and then moved forward, looking at her. ]
And if it was, I would still tell you not to wish away what you've found. Emotions are terrible things, sometimes, but they are what makes us human, and to rid yourself of them would remove their very great usefulness. Don't wish for that. Especially not for my sake.
[There is no guilt in the eyes of a Contractor, no regret, no shame, no empathy. But that's all she really has to show for herself since the night her emotions returned, since she earned her "reward".]
- It's been a long time. That's all.
[Since she had emotions at all. Since she could feel the desire for punishment- displaced attempt to pay for what she'd done in her past though it was.
Still felt as if she ought to apologize, if having to make up for her own weakness had somehow handicapped another-
[ Sturmhond gestures with one hand, inviting her to do just that. ]
You can ask me many things, Havoc. I don't operate with a quota.
[ His smile seems easy enough. There's tiredness behind his eyes, though. That's unusual for Sturmhond, but his body has been through quite a workout today. He sits on the edge of his bunk while he waits for her to talk, and returns to the task of brushing hairs from his neck. ]
[His movement draws the eye, and her gaze moved up, accidentally caught his eyes. The tiredness behind them makes her pause, reconsider asking at all, potentially burdening him or dredging up something still fresh he'd rather forget-
She can imagine. Before regressing, she'd never thought to bother imagining how it might feel to die at her hands. What it would feel like finding the air around you contained nothing to fill your lungs, the sudden intense pressure, the rupturing of insides.
But he doesn't want to recall it, and she won't push. Instead, she tries to smile back.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She freezes at the sound of the opening door, (still a bit too on edge, a bit jumpy since the mission, since the aftermath, so different than how she'd have handled it even just one mission prior), fingers tightening on the box in her arms with a few more tins inside. Making the rounds.
But the momentary surprise melts slowly in to something like sympathy, something like guilt, and she musters a smile, however tentative.]
Yes.
[The answer, before-]
Sorry, I didn't think you were here-
no subject
I was in the other room. Did you make this?
[ He distracts himself from that look on her face by lifting the soup, which smells surprisingly inviting.
His hazel eyes flick quickly back to her. ]
That was kind. Thank you.
no subject
But answering questions... That was the easy part.]
I like cooking. It's chicken and leek soup- or... Shille and leek...
[It stood well enough for "yes", her gaze still that mix of guilt and sympathy both. A dash of "it should have been me" that went unsaid. She didn't think he'd want to hear it, even if she couldn't keep it off her face.]
It was the least I could do.
no subject
[ He pauses for a moment, looking at her. Then he sets the tin back down, shrugs his shoulders, and shakes his head. ]
You don’t owe me anything. And this wasn’t your fault, Havoc. You shouldn’t be blaming yourself.
[ People do. She’d struggled enough with that mission as it was, without dealing with the fallout afterwards. Ultimately, he would rather be the one to take the pain than see it inflicted on others instead. He smiles at her, an easy smile. ]
Thank you for the soup.
no subject
[But she stops herself immediately, bites in to her bottom lip. She couldn't even say that sort of thing, not when she'd desired so much to keep hold of that portion of humanity, back when she'd had it. Wanted it so bad that before signing a contract with the CDC, before losing the fight against becoming a Contractor once more, if had been the only thing she asked for.]
- I'm sorry.
[She wasn't sure what was. It was easier to focus on the soup.]
... I hope it's good.
no subject
Havoc, if they thought you had done anything wrong, it would have been your name on that list. This was not your fault.
[ He paused, and then moved forward, looking at her. ]
And if it was, I would still tell you not to wish away what you've found. Emotions are terrible things, sometimes, but they are what makes us human, and to rid yourself of them would remove their very great usefulness. Don't wish for that. Especially not for my sake.
no subject
- It's been a long time. That's all.
[Since she had emotions at all. Since she could feel the desire for punishment- displaced attempt to pay for what she'd done in her past though it was.
Still felt as if she ought to apologize, if having to make up for her own weakness had somehow handicapped another-
But her gaze fell, somewhere near his feet.]
... Can I jut ask you one thing?
no subject
You can ask me many things, Havoc. I don't operate with a quota.
[ His smile seems easy enough. There's tiredness behind his eyes, though. That's unusual for Sturmhond, but his body has been through quite a workout today. He sits on the edge of his bunk while he waits for her to talk, and returns to the task of brushing hairs from his neck. ]
no subject
But she had to know.]
What did it feel like?
[Beginning to die like that.]
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He said she could ask. He didn't say he would tell, and unfortunately, this cuts rather too close to the bone. He shrugs his shoulders. ]
Unpleasant.
[ Lifting the soup, he takes a sip, and his expression settles into a smile. ]
But this is very good. Thank you. I'll be sure to return the container when it's done.
no subject
She can imagine. Before regressing, she'd never thought to bother imagining how it might feel to die at her hands. What it would feel like finding the air around you contained nothing to fill your lungs, the sudden intense pressure, the rupturing of insides.
But he doesn't want to recall it, and she won't push. Instead, she tries to smile back.]
- Take your time.
no subject
I will. Thank you, Havoc.