[ As soon as he has some of the pieces gathered, Adrien is already rebuilding the tower, carefully stacking the sticks to make a solid structure so he can start the game anew.
At the question, he glances up briefly before going back to his work. ]
I've caught naps, here and there.
[ Sturmhond knows the sort. The brief snatches of sleep grabbed between one mission to the next. Most of the crew had picked up on the habit. ]
Nothing any worse than what went on sixteen days ago.
If only he could stop hearing the echo of Banagher's words 'Killing something in so much despair just felt too cruel, could stop hearing the echo of gunshots through the trees. If only he could stop feeling the weight of dead bodies in his hands as he transported friends back to Neheda in their body bags.
For now, he finished building the tower and sat up. ]
It'll come.
[ He said simply, motioning towards the tower in an unspoken invitation for Sturmhond to join him for a game, if he wished. ]
[ Not soon enough, Sturmhond thinks. Not here, when they have to work all the time, when there's always another mission.
But death weighs heavy. He knows that. He's not immune to it. It's why he always acts as though there's no weight on his shoulders. He has to make it true, somehow.
Letting the burden be seen doesn't help to take it away.
He moves onto the floor across from Adrien and starts building the tower back up. ]
You don't drink.
[ Because for him, that had helped. He'd not have slept without it the first night. ]
[ Letting Sturmhond work on finishing up the tower, Adrien glanced up sharply at the statement.
Least he forget that Sturmhond was an observant bastard, the man was often very good at reminding him of the fact at odd times. Almost immediately, he looked back down at the structure, deliberately hiding his own expression and the silence that passed after the question was lengthy.
The doctor didn't talk about himself. He'd been asked questions now and then but when it came to personal matters, he avoided them. Sturmhond, had a habit of making a pointed statement, following it by a question. It made it more difficult to avoid.
At least, not without shutting down the conversation completely and whether he acknowledged the word or not, the privateer was too much of a friend for blatant rudeness. ]
I don't.
[ He acknowledged, reaching to delicately tap a stick into line ... still stalling because it was hard to say the next words. ]
After my sister died... [ no, that statement never got easier, even after all these years ] I hit the bottle pretty hard. Especially when my father died not long after.
It got to the point where I needed to drink, rather than wanted to drink. The Castrensis was strict on the subject of needs and wants. It was okay to want something, that was natural, but when it turned into a need, it became a liability.
[ That rule was across the board. Whether it be alcohol ... friends ... lovers. ]
[ At first Sturmhond thinks he's not going to answer. He wouldn't really blame Adrien for that. More often than not, he'll avoid personal questions himself. But it had seemed notable to him that Adrien hadn't wanted to drink, after what he'd already been through. Especially since he wasn't able to sleep.
This is a reason he can understand, though. Dependencies are to be avoided. That's no bad thing. ]
I'm sorry.
[ About Adrien's sister. And his father. It's not easy to lose family, particularly when you're close to them. ]
Everyone needs to find their way through it. There is no rule for dealing with grief.
[ He puts the last block on the tower and leans back, pensive. ]
What Banagher asked of you. Is it too much? Tell me, if it is. I know you, Adrien. You can't use up all your strength supporting everyone else.
[ With all the sticks in place, Adrien reached out and gently squeezed each side, making sure they were even. Then, he sat and pensively studied the structure before reaching to nudge loose the first piece. ]
It's too much to ask Banagher to kill someone else in what is effectively cold blood. I don't know if he could do it.
[ There is a nuance in his tone. The statement is not meant to cast disparaging light on Banagher's ability to get a job done but something else. At this point there are so many lies of omission, what's one more?
Getting the stick pulled free, he sat back and looked at Sturmhond, frowning slightly.]
I can do this for Banagher. You focus on yourself and Alina.
[ Speaking of supporting others; you two.
And yes, for the time being the more personal subjects of his family and grief, were shelved.]
[ Banagher hadn't been able to help them kill the creature, in the caves. Sturmhond remembers that. He hadn't blamed him for it. He's aware of Banagher's sense, an empathy of a sort. He had known the creature's feelings.
He had sensed loss, that's what he'd told Sturmhond. It believed they had taken something from it, the most precious thing it had, and that was why it wanted to kill them. Banagher hadn't been able to kill something with so much sorrow.
The thing is, it wouldn't have changed things for Sturmhond. It had been the lives of himself and his friends, versus the creature. Had it lived, it would have remained a danger to camp. Those facts are still true, no matter how much sentiment is worked up. Pity wouldn't have stayed his hand because it never does.
But it had stayed Banagher's. He nods, and moves to take a brick. He chooses one right in the structure's centre. ]
Alina struggled. She still struggles. But I've been with her every day, don't worry about that. She's stronger than you know. Stronger than she knows herself, I believe.
When you have done, come and look for us. You needn't shoulder it alone. In fact, you shouldn't. None of us should.
[ He knew, deep in his heart that even had he understood where the creature's rage came from, Adrien would have still made the choice he made. There simply was no other alternative; not without risking the crew and protecting the crew was what kept him going.
Still, living with that weight, settling it in his heart while simultaneously taking on the guilt of taking Garrus' life and tomorrow Banagher's ... it was challenging. But Adrien kept these thoughts to himself, waiting out Sturmhond's move before he reached to work on his next stick. ]
Strong as she is or will be, you're both stronger together.
[ He said, avoiding any discussion of himself or where he would find himself when Banagher was safely delivered to Mother in the morning. Adrien was starting to see another side to this test, another ... facet. ]
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no subject
At the question, he glances up briefly before going back to his work. ]
I've caught naps, here and there.
[ Sturmhond knows the sort. The brief snatches of sleep grabbed between one mission to the next. Most of the crew had picked up on the habit. ]
Nothing any worse than what went on sixteen days ago.
no subject
[ He remembers those missions. He'd been there too, and the sleep deprivation is not a situation he's keen to repeat.
Not even now. He leans forward. ]
It was necessary then. It's not, now. You'll do yourself damage, my friend.
Or something else will, because you were too tired to think about it.
no subject
If only.
If only he could stop hearing the echo of Banagher's words 'Killing something in so much despair just felt too cruel, could stop hearing the echo of gunshots through the trees. If only he could stop feeling the weight of dead bodies in his hands as he transported friends back to Neheda in their body bags.
For now, he finished building the tower and sat up. ]
It'll come.
[ He said simply, motioning towards the tower in an unspoken invitation for Sturmhond to join him for a game, if he wished. ]
no subject
But death weighs heavy. He knows that. He's not immune to it. It's why he always acts as though there's no weight on his shoulders. He has to make it true, somehow.
Letting the burden be seen doesn't help to take it away.
He moves onto the floor across from Adrien and starts building the tower back up. ]
You don't drink.
[ Because for him, that had helped. He'd not have slept without it the first night. ]
Is there a reason?
no subject
Least he forget that Sturmhond was an observant bastard, the man was often very good at reminding him of the fact at odd times. Almost immediately, he looked back down at the structure, deliberately hiding his own expression and the silence that passed after the question was lengthy.
The doctor didn't talk about himself. He'd been asked questions now and then but when it came to personal matters, he avoided them. Sturmhond, had a habit of making a pointed statement, following it by a question. It made it more difficult to avoid.
At least, not without shutting down the conversation completely and whether he acknowledged the word or not, the privateer was too much of a friend for blatant rudeness. ]
I don't.
[ He acknowledged, reaching to delicately tap a stick into line ... still stalling because it was hard to say the next words. ]
After my sister died... [ no, that statement never got easier, even after all these years ] I hit the bottle pretty hard. Especially when my father died not long after.
It got to the point where I needed to drink, rather than wanted to drink. The Castrensis was strict on the subject of needs and wants. It was okay to want something, that was natural, but when it turned into a need, it became a liability.
[ That rule was across the board. Whether it be alcohol ... friends ... lovers. ]
So I quit.
no subject
This is a reason he can understand, though. Dependencies are to be avoided. That's no bad thing. ]
I'm sorry.
[ About Adrien's sister. And his father. It's not easy to lose family, particularly when you're close to them. ]
Everyone needs to find their way through it. There is no rule for dealing with grief.
[ He puts the last block on the tower and leans back, pensive. ]
What Banagher asked of you. Is it too much? Tell me, if it is. I know you, Adrien. You can't use up all your strength supporting everyone else.
no subject
It's too much to ask Banagher to kill someone else in what is effectively cold blood. I don't know if he could do it.
[ There is a nuance in his tone. The statement is not meant to cast disparaging light on Banagher's ability to get a job done but something else. At this point there are so many lies of omission, what's one more?
Getting the stick pulled free, he sat back and looked at Sturmhond, frowning slightly.]
I can do this for Banagher. You focus on yourself and Alina.
[ Speaking of supporting others; you two.
And yes, for the time being the more personal subjects of his family and grief, were shelved.]
no subject
He had sensed loss, that's what he'd told Sturmhond. It believed they had taken something from it, the most precious thing it had, and that was why it wanted to kill them. Banagher hadn't been able to kill something with so much sorrow.
The thing is, it wouldn't have changed things for Sturmhond. It had been the lives of himself and his friends, versus the creature. Had it lived, it would have remained a danger to camp. Those facts are still true, no matter how much sentiment is worked up. Pity wouldn't have stayed his hand because it never does.
But it had stayed Banagher's. He nods, and moves to take a brick. He chooses one right in the structure's centre. ]
Alina struggled. She still struggles. But I've been with her every day, don't worry about that. She's stronger than you know. Stronger than she knows herself, I believe.
When you have done, come and look for us. You needn't shoulder it alone. In fact, you shouldn't. None of us should.
no subject
Still, living with that weight, settling it in his heart while simultaneously taking on the guilt of taking Garrus' life and tomorrow Banagher's ... it was challenging. But Adrien kept these thoughts to himself, waiting out Sturmhond's move before he reached to work on his next stick. ]
Strong as she is or will be, you're both stronger together.
[ He said, avoiding any discussion of himself or where he would find himself when Banagher was safely delivered to Mother in the morning. Adrien was starting to see another side to this test, another ... facet. ]