[ She wants to savour it simply because it's been a long time since she last had coffee like this. But it's no good when it's cold and so she takes a long sip and grabs a doughnut, smiling at him when he rubs her arm. ]
I'm fine. Don't be weird. [ Because she knows he hates being emotional and as much as she's touched by it, she doesn't want him to have to emote. ] Eat a doughnut. What have you been up to lately? Any camp gossip I need to know about?
And, actually, there's plenty he could tell her. The last few days have been hectic. More than hectic.
But he's gag-ordered, so he can't. And in all fairness, he probably wouldn't, anyway. She doesn't need to know about the Scourges. Doesn't need to know about any of it. ]
I'm the wrong person to ask, actually. I've been on an errand the past couple of days. You'd know more about camp than I would, why don't you tell me?
[ But he pauses, and then after a moment lifts his eyebrow at
her. ]
Though, generally, at times like that, I’m too busy being bored out of my
mind. The last time I had a spell like that, I invented the
Hummingbird. I find it’s best to keep busy.
My first. Not that I have the materials to do that here, of course. If I did, I would have - long ago. But still, that's the sort of invention you're risking.
[ Her smile is bright and vivid and curious immediately, her arm moving to knock against his. ]
Seriously, an airship? God, you're like a superhero or something. [ Like that one about the billionaire who made a metal suit for kicks and justice. That's what he's like. ] Is there anything you can't do?
No. [ She shakes her head quickly and then shrugs. ] I kind of don't? And I know, I know, know your enemy or whatever. But you're not. You're my friend. And I like prying in person. [ A small grin. ] Much more fun.
[ He sighs at her. Of course she hasn't read the files. Yes, naturally. That makes perfect sense.
He reaches out, giving her hair a little flick. ]
You ought to. Not just for me, but for everyone. It'll help you know how to react around certain people. It's not about prying, it's about taking the advantage that's open to you. You can be assured they're doing the same with you.
My file doesn't say anything that people can use against me, Sturmhond. [ Nothing of Jace, or of Valentine. Everything that could hurt her is buried deep. ] And I'm not here to treat everyone on the team like a threat. I couldn't keep my head straight with facts anyway.
Reading the information that's on offer isn't treating them like a threat. All it means is that where a threat may exist, you'll be forewarned.
[ He lifts an eyebrow. ] It's not a question of whether you have anything to hide. It's a matter of using the resources available. It's hardly a moral consideration.
You're so strange. [ She shakes her head fondly. ] I guess I just like ... finding stuff out about people through conversation. [ Of course it doesn't even have to be conversation with that specific person ... ]
[ He doesn’t mean that to sound harsh, though in his matter of fact
tone, it probably does. ]
Often, without remorse, and particularly when they think they can get away
with it. That resource is open to everyone. To use it may, to an extent,
give you an advantage. To avoid it puts you at a distinct disadvantage. A
needless one. These people are not all your friends. You must know that by
now.
Yeah. And that's how I'm going to learn to notice when people lie. [ She looks up at him with a sigh. ] I could read every single file of the people here. But I'm not like you. I can't keep a billion things straight in my head all the time. I'd fuck up. I'd rather just ... be normal. This is the only thing I can be normal about here.
You can’t be normal here. This is not a normal place, not for you. It’s
removed from your world, and you must move with it if you expect to
survive.
[ He knows that’s harsh. But he thinks it needs to be said. He still
worries about how strong her moral stance is, and how many steps it
prevents her from taking. She has Alina’s good spirit, but lacks her
pragmatism. That’s something Alina learned with experience, though. Clary
will have to learn it too. ]
You wear your heart on your sleeve. It makes you a good person. But bury
it, Clary. Bury your feelings, and don’t be led by them, because there is
no place for mercy here. Trust me. Better a shielded heart than a broken
one.
[ She's quiet all throughout his little speech, her frown growing more and more pronounced. It's not like she doesn't understand what he means, she gets it, she does. But this isn't her. Because Clary has always been a mass of feelings. People can see it, her anger, her love, her fear, it's always right at the forefront and she's never really know how to be sly. Valentine was. But Jocelyn has always told her to be open.
Eventually she sighs. ] I should have watched more spy films before I got here. [ A pause. ] I'm not sure how I'm going to be what you think I should.
[ Despite the fact that he just eulogised on it. Ignoring that. ]
I want you to survive, that's all. The values you stand by do you credit, but having a clear conscience isn't going to save your life. Being well prepared, and willing to compromise, just might.
[ Of course he wants everything to be treated like a weapon. Sturmhond would use whatever he has to survive and she knows that. Clary can't exactly fault him for it. But she's still surprised when he's telling her to apply it as well. To her, his training had been more like here is a knife, use it and not now be the knife. ]
You know I'm trying, right? I listen to you. I trust you. [ She scrubs one hand over her face and heaves a sigh. ] It's just really hard. It sounds crazy. Everything always does.
[ It's just a different form of weapon. But in this case, he's not trying to make her into a killer. He's trying to prevent her from being someone else's pin cushion. ]
I know that you're trying. But you said yourself that you planned not to read the files at all. I'm giving you advice, Clary, that's what a teacher does. In the end, all I'm ever trying to do is teach you to protect yourself. Where I think you aren't, I will say so. I won't apologise for that.
I'll bring you an apple and put it on your desk. [ She almost smiles at him, but there's a softness in her face. It's actually kind of nice to have someone like him watching her back. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I'm fine. Don't be weird. [ Because she knows he hates being emotional and as much as she's touched by it, she doesn't want him to have to emote. ] Eat a doughnut. What have you been up to lately? Any camp gossip I need to know about?
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And, actually, there's plenty he could tell her. The last few days have been hectic. More than hectic.
But he's gag-ordered, so he can't. And in all fairness, he probably wouldn't, anyway. She doesn't need to know about the Scourges. Doesn't need to know about any of it. ]
I'm the wrong person to ask, actually. I've been on an errand the past couple of days. You'd know more about camp than I would, why don't you tell me?
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I've not noticed much. I mean whenever there's no real horrible drama it's kind of easy to just not go anywhere.
[ Like sleep. She misses sleeping in long enough that her mom would have to come fetch her. ]
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I suppose you’re right.
[ But he pauses, and then after a moment lifts his eyebrow at her. ]
Though, generally, at times like that, I’m too busy being bored out of my mind. The last time I had a spell like that, I invented the Hummingbird. I find it’s best to keep busy.
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[ Who knows. Maybe he does mean a tiny flittering bird. It's Sturmhond. ]
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[ The ghost of a smile. ]
My first. Not that I have the materials to do that here, of course. If I did, I would have - long ago. But still, that's the sort of invention you're risking.
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Seriously, an airship? God, you're like a superhero or something. [ Like that one about the billionaire who made a metal suit for kicks and justice. That's what he's like. ] Is there anything you can't do?
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[ Sturmhond sighs, his expression as thoughtful as though he’s taking that question entirely seriously. ]
My poetry’s somewhat lacking. One might even say unfortunate. A great shame. I’d prove it to you, but I’m afraid I burned the evidence in that case.
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Says the guy who just loves his own words, wow.
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[ He smiles at her, shrugging. ]
You can put me on a pedestal if you like, Clary. I'm hardly likely to complain, but you must know it's not necessary.
I thought you knew of my hobbies, anyway. Haven't you read my file?
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He reaches out, giving her hair a little flick. ]
You ought to. Not just for me, but for everyone. It'll help you know how to react around certain people. It's not about prying, it's about taking the advantage that's open to you. You can be assured they're doing the same with you.
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My file doesn't say anything that people can use against me, Sturmhond. [ Nothing of Jace, or of Valentine. Everything that could hurt her is buried deep. ] And I'm not here to treat everyone on the team like a threat. I couldn't keep my head straight with facts anyway.
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[ He lifts an eyebrow. ] It's not a question of whether you have anything to hide. It's a matter of using the resources available. It's hardly a moral consideration.
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Have you read everyone's file?
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Naturally. And several times, actually - there's a number of them,and I can do with a refresher every now and again.
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People lie, Clary.
[ He doesn’t mean that to sound harsh, though in his matter of fact tone, it probably does. ]
Often, without remorse, and particularly when they think they can get away with it. That resource is open to everyone. To use it may, to an extent, give you an advantage. To avoid it puts you at a distinct disadvantage. A needless one. These people are not all your friends. You must know that by now.
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You can’t be normal here. This is not a normal place, not for you. It’s removed from your world, and you must move with it if you expect to survive.
[ He knows that’s harsh. But he thinks it needs to be said. He still worries about how strong her moral stance is, and how many steps it prevents her from taking. She has Alina’s good spirit, but lacks her pragmatism. That’s something Alina learned with experience, though. Clary will have to learn it too. ]
You wear your heart on your sleeve. It makes you a good person. But bury it, Clary. Bury your feelings, and don’t be led by them, because there is no place for mercy here. Trust me. Better a shielded heart than a broken one.
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Eventually she sighs. ] I should have watched more spy films before I got here. [ A pause. ] I'm not sure how I'm going to be what you think I should.
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[ Despite the fact that he just eulogised on it. Ignoring that. ]
I want you to survive, that's all. The values you stand by do you credit, but having a clear conscience isn't going to save your life. Being well prepared, and willing to compromise, just might.
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You know I'm trying, right? I listen to you. I trust you. [ She scrubs one hand over her face and heaves a sigh. ] It's just really hard. It sounds crazy. Everything always does.
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I know that you're trying. But you said yourself that you planned not to read the files at all. I'm giving you advice, Clary, that's what a teacher does. In the end, all I'm ever trying to do is teach you to protect yourself. Where I think you aren't, I will say so. I won't apologise for that.
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I'll read them, I promise.
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