[ Falling for him. Nikolai watches her eyes while she says that. The
thing is, Nikolai has always treated that sort of sentiment with
scepticism. He remembers when they met, how casually he had told her that
many women dreamed of him, how easy it is to be confident and flamboyant.
And also, for Nikolai, how easy it is to be charming and flirtatious and
kind. His feelings have been used as little more than a guise, and he
slides easily from one mask to another. It’s not that he doesn’t let
himself feel. He does feel. It’s just that his emotions never control him,
never rule him. He doesn’t rely on them. It’s why he can seem friendly one
moment, and ruthless the next. He doesn’t let himself be overcome, he’s
trained himself out of that.
Could he love Alina? He asks himself the question now. He had always
been taught that love didn’t matter. After all, he has to marry for
alliance. Love, if anything, would only get in the way. But he does care
about her.
The things is, the rest is also true. He still needs her alliance.
He still needs her help. It will never be as simple as a man and a woman
feeling for each other, and he knows that’s how she would like it to be.
That’s what she deserves, and he can never give that to her. There will
never be a selflessness to his feelings for her, because his duty to his
country will always sit between them.
But all that aside, could he love her?
Maybe. He’s not sure if he does. He’s not sure if he could truly
admit it to himself even if he did, but he thinks it’s the closest he’s
ever come.
He touches her face, strokes his fingers down to her chin and lifts
it up, so that her eyes can meet his. ]
I would like us to have a chance, Alina. I don’t want us to stop here. I
want to go down this road with you and see where it takes us.
I want to make you happy. Once I asked you to be my wife. Asking that was
thoughtless, then. I don’t just want to be your ally. I want to be with
you. If you’re falling for me, I’d like to fall with you.
[ That sounds ridiculous. And charming, and trite, and none of those
are how he wants to sound. He’s surprised to find that he means it. That’s
a new experience. ]
no subject
[ Falling for him. Nikolai watches her eyes while she says that. The thing is, Nikolai has always treated that sort of sentiment with scepticism. He remembers when they met, how casually he had told her that many women dreamed of him, how easy it is to be confident and flamboyant. And also, for Nikolai, how easy it is to be charming and flirtatious and kind. His feelings have been used as little more than a guise, and he slides easily from one mask to another. It’s not that he doesn’t let himself feel. He does feel. It’s just that his emotions never control him, never rule him. He doesn’t rely on them. It’s why he can seem friendly one moment, and ruthless the next. He doesn’t let himself be overcome, he’s trained himself out of that.
Could he love Alina? He asks himself the question now. He had always been taught that love didn’t matter. After all, he has to marry for alliance. Love, if anything, would only get in the way. But he does care about her.
The things is, the rest is also true. He still needs her alliance. He still needs her help. It will never be as simple as a man and a woman feeling for each other, and he knows that’s how she would like it to be. That’s what she deserves, and he can never give that to her. There will never be a selflessness to his feelings for her, because his duty to his country will always sit between them.
But all that aside, could he love her?
Maybe. He’s not sure if he does. He’s not sure if he could truly admit it to himself even if he did, but he thinks it’s the closest he’s ever come.
He touches her face, strokes his fingers down to her chin and lifts it up, so that her eyes can meet his. ]
I would like us to have a chance, Alina. I don’t want us to stop here. I want to go down this road with you and see where it takes us.
I want to make you happy. Once I asked you to be my wife. Asking that was thoughtless, then. I don’t just want to be your ally. I want to be with you. If you’re falling for me, I’d like to fall with you.
[ That sounds ridiculous. And charming, and trite, and none of those are how he wants to sound. He’s surprised to find that he means it. That’s a new experience. ]
If you’ll give me the chance.