Because it eats at me. [ She confesses softly. Her arms go around him as she rests her head on his shoulder. ]

I don't mean my conscience. I mean it's changing me. I killed my first person at home when I went back. And part of me liked it. Part of me wanted to kill Sergei. Parted me wanted to make the Apparat crawl on his knees and beg me for forgiveness in front of everyone.

[ Her fingers tighten. She can't look at him. Not when she feels such shame. ] There's a part of me that just keeps pushing deeper and deeper into madness. Sometimes I understand the Darkling. And I think if I ever did get the firebird, I would just be completing my transformation in to becoming him.

But I need it, anyway. I have to. [ She closes her eyes. ]

You promised Baghra you would put a bullet in my head if I ever became him.